You Married a What?

Standard

One day shortly after I left, this showed up on a blog that has nothing to do with domestic abuse. With a few possible exceptions (very few) it’s a description of the anti-husband written by someone who never met him.

Glibness and Superficial Charm

Manipulative and Conning: They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.

Grandiose Sense of Self: Feels entitled to certain things as “their right.”

Pathological Lying: Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.

Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt: A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.

Shallow Emotions: When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.

Incapacity for Love

Need for Stimulation: Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.
Callousness/Lack of Empathy: Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others’ feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.

Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.

Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency: Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet “gets by” by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.

Irresponsibility/Unreliability: Not concerned about wrecking others’ lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.

Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity: Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.

Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle: Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.

Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility: Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.

Irresponsibility/Unreliability: Not concerned about wrecking others’ lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.

  1. Contemptuous of those who seek to understand them
  2. Does not perceive that anything is wrong with them
  3. Authoritarian
  4. Secretive
  5. Paranoid
  6. Only rarely in difficulty with the law, but seeks out situations where their tyrannical behavior will be tolerated, condoned, or admired
  7. Conventional appearance
  8. Goal of enslavement of their victim(s)
  9. Exercises despotic control over every aspect of the victim’s life
  10. Has an emotional need to justify their crimes and therefore needs their victim’s affirmation (respect, gratitude and love)
  11. Ultimate goal is the creation of a willing victim
  12. Incapable of real human attachment to another
  13. Unable to feel remorse or guilt
  14. Extreme narcissism and grandiose
  15. May state readily that their goal is to rule the world

It’s also the description of a sociopath.

I cut/pasted/squirreled away the clip, then googled ‘sociopath’ trying to identify the train that hit my family.

Not sure how I feel about the clinical definition of sociopath. Seems a little fuzzy. Maybe Big Dumb Jerk’s a better fit.  I do think the concept of  a conscience seared over has a place in the discussion.

Of course you can’t go around diagnosing folks with an internet checklist and that’s not the intention. Finding this simply provided a starting place for prayer and further study.

Seeing in print all the anti-husband’s lovely traits helped realize (finally) what I’d battled all those years and eased the guilt of what I saw as my failure.

I mean, really. How are you suppose to build a relationship with  that?

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4 responses »

  1. Yes… I was shocked to discover just “what” I had been married to for 33 years!!

    I’ve done tons of reading, research and reflection, especially over the last 6 months since my divorce was final…

    and finding so many women have been dealing with the same nightmares, it seems like an epidemic!

    We all, as strong women who have struggled and survived, need to continue to speak out, educate and inform others of this evil.

    I thank you for being one of the ones who are speaking boldly with courage. I join with you!

  2. No way. Impossible. The list is really pretty accurate. Abusers are on a sliding scale of course. As the conscience diminishes, the abuse goes up (my theory). And I also think that evil people do progressively sear their conscience so it becomes calloused and without feeling. Big dumb jerk is not accurate – it isn’t evil enough. I wonder if anyone ever tried to be Satan’s friend? I doubt that he has any. You can’t build a friendship on fear, and that is how he operates. Poor Satan. He must have had early childhood trauma issues; If we could just get him to see this, perhaps……hey, no, he’s Satan!

    • LOL~!

      I was pretty shocked myself but the description is *so* stinkin’ accurate, its hard to argue. I saw the progression you mentioned over the years as he continued to add categories to his non-persons list. For a long time, he was kinder to animals than people but even that changed.

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