Recommended: Kellie Holly: Reacting to Insinuations in the Verbally Abusive Relationship


Kellie Jo Holly over at Healthy Place just posted a great article on verbal abuse titled, Reacting to Insinuations in the Verbally Abusive Relationship. I laughed all the way through and her article is not one bit funny. Sometimes a big wad of truth has that effect on a body.

His comment came out of the blue as he readied himself for work. “Some people don’t think,” he stated calmly. My mind raced to figure out what he was talking about. If I were in a normal relationship, I would have simply asked, “What do you mean, honey?” But I wasn’t in a normal relationship.

During the few seconds it took me to connect the dots between his statement and what he really meant, he didn’t say another word. He gave me the courtesy of remaining silent as my mind raced to find a way to avoid a fight that evening upon his return.

Once I figured out what he meant, I felt compelled to discuss it with him (defend myself). I said, “That isn’t true. I am not irrational, my thinking is clear.”

Can we just cut and paste about half my life into the above? I love that line– “I wasn’t in a normal relationship.”

*cue epic music


24 responses »

  1. SO glad I no longer have to think what he meant by what he said because he thinks that he knows

    what I’m thinking (or going to do or not do) and then think how I “should” respond to his CRAZY


    “I wasn’t in a normal relationship”!!! Took me 33 yrs., but now I can THINK for myself! Thank you!!!

    Ah, ah, ah, ah, staying alive…. 🙂

    • I know, sad isn’t it?

      Toward the end, I was informed we didn’t have to actually talk anymore because he knew me so well, he ‘just knew’ what I was thinking. I said, ‘what I say doesn’t matter at all?’ No, he said he knew what I *really* meant. “So. . . you’re a mind reader now?’ And his reply was that he was a very good judge of people and no one had to tell him anything.


      Love that mashup. How perfect is that?

      “Staying Alive in the Wall”

  2. Ida – Thanks so much for sharing the article by Kellie. I actually followed it over and found serveral that struck close to home. The passage you posted…I swear, it was just like my morning was this morning. Especially “My mind raced to figure out what he was talking about….During the few seconds it took me to connect the dots between his statement and what he really meant, he didn’t say another word. He gave me the courtesy of remaining silent as my mind raced to find a way to avoid a fight that evening upon his return.” I do that ALL THE TIME. It is like living your life on high alert. I cannot imagine not living that way. It is such foreign concept. Always amazing to read what is written by others I have never met before only to realize we have experienced so many of the same situations…

    • Kellie is a wonderful writer!

      That was my morning– every morning– for so long it makes me ill to think about it. In my case, it never got better– the honeymoon just got shorter and the gaslighting more creative.

  3. Oh my goodness,this happened to me last night & i was just left confused,trying to workout what i hadn’t heard,was i going deaf…all i could think,as he gave me time to reply was”try pull something,anything outta the hat,it may just be what he said”…so i said,repeated an answer to the last thing he’d spoken to me about,got slandered for apparently,leaving the room,”how dare i go out of the room,i should know when he’s addressing me,even if he was mumbling,not said my name before the comment & also told me earlier that as i wasn’t listening to him,he was no longer talking to me…so wth was this about,me not replying to his answer & i shouldn’t dare ask for a replay,of the question,god be-hold i do that,i should be alll ears at alll times!!!Last night was it for me,his raging,ranting,tantrums!Getting worn out,eroded!!!I try & let it wash over me,ignoring his mutterings under his breath,rantings on in the car,over the slightest thing,i hate been in that confined space with my abuser,agro preorganised NUTS

  4. That car gives him more power to control me,he also tells me ifi dnt change my attitude,my stuff will be out in the lawn for an umpteen time,i will be given a 5min countdown,which he has done before,btw!!!Infront of everyone,i have my own place but i get lonely,it’s full of drug addicts & undesirables,i have become so anxiety ridden,agrophobic under his rule,that i don’t like going back to my area,we have a dog got from the rescue yrs back also,so i miss the dog on the many occasions we’ve had a break,broken up for a while but somehow he seems to appear permanently,as if he hasa antenae for when “Oh Em’s happy,i’ll go mess it up for her,can’t be having tht!”Why do i go bck,nrly 22yrs i’ve been puttin up wiv this crap!He says it’s becoz of the affairs i had after the 1st 3yrs of the relationship,but we hadn’t had sex for 2yrs!!!I warned him i wud find sex elsewhere & he just said”do it then”i mean what young girl of 22yrs cn go wivout sex for 2yrs,i wish i’d of left him then!He says i need to make it up to

  5. him,i had already begged for his forgiveness physically on my knees in the middle of the road,infront of all the neighbours(humiliating i know)but we became friends but he forgets i did beg for forgiveness tht day,he forgets all the good stuff i do,if i do more things for him,the worse he gets.He can’t bear to see me happy either,i said to him the otherday,after trying to be the perfect house-slave,to the doting girlfriend(he still thinks it’s 1950’s)yet he has never,ever worked! I said to him “you can either forget the affairs & moveon,or we’ll just call it a day,if thts what you want,eh?”but no i must stay & pay(how,i’ve no idea,oh yes i have,so he can make me feel worthless whilst he feels all powerful,dampening my glow,whilst feeding & bolstering his own glow,the Narcarsisst)He hada terrible childhood,violent dominating alcoholic for a dad,but this doesn’t give him the right to treat me the way he does,with so much contempt,outta nowhere!His parents called him nutta & he calls me “little girl”or “hag”is

  6. the new name(yet he’s older than me)Also he calls me ladies private parts & just damn right nasty b,tellling me how to do the simplist of tasks,then when i don’t do them quick enuff ie. His timing,then he says”just pass it here,you can’t be trusted ti do anything i ask right!”he calls me names in public now also,humiliated me infront of his friends,agressive in the bedroom,so much so i no longer want sex with him!!! I need to leave him a.s.a.p but i have done it before,he is getting worse by the day,i once well a few times contemplated suicide,just to getaway frm this debilitating enviroment i’ve become accustomed to,i felt worthless…but reading Holly’s detachment theory has helped me deal with having to stay wiv him untill i have the doe to go!He has kicked me up the b-hind whilst grabbing round the scruff of the neck,grabbed me round the throat,this summer he told me to leave,i went to geta quick cup of water b4 i left & he pulled the cup so hard,frm my hand it exploded in his hand,KARMA! I need to LEAVE!

  7. I just hope i do it,i’m 40yrs old & luckily haven’t had any children into the mix,he doesn’t want any,even thou i did(thankfully reading & listening to Holly Jo has made me realsie,it just wudn’t be right in such an hostile/toxic environment)Shame because i’ve always wanted to become a mother,but glad i didn’t go thru it wiv this abusive monster!Also it’s very hard to know when he’s gonna blow,i can feel the atomosphere change now thou & i leave the room,before i would stay,try speak up for something i wasn’t even guilty of(coz i’m a liar,always lieing you see in his twisted brain!)So leaving the room isa good idea,also turning a card rnd in my head with his face on one side & the word “abuser”on the other is another helpful mental tip to keep me sane inside my brain(to myself)that Holly Jo was right about,it really helps,everytime he does verbal/emmotional abuse i use this tool,it took a while to imprint in the brain!Last night i had 2 turn the caradio up 2 shut his negative rantings off wen he gt outta car!

  8. I meant to add,i’m nearly 40 & i’ll be damned if i am still here then(not long only 2mnths to go,arghhh!)But christmas is hard for me,i lost my lil bro,aged 21yrs old bck in 1997 so i feel lost,i don’t speak to my mum bcoz she is a narcarsisst believe it or not,i think thats why i am too easy going,like my dad,i putup wiv her cruel behaviour for years especialy in my early teens…so i think thats why i’ve putup wiv this type of emmotional abuse by this abusive man!My dad has got a lovely girlfriend who is amazing,but they’re going away at christmas,so i must see if i can stay in dads place(coz it’s a nice place)Also my dad is gona move away in wiv his new galfriend so i dnt know what i’m gona do without my support,my rock & my bestfriend! :/ Thats another thing he tries to say my dad has said certain negative things about me!(i dnt believe him)He did not hug me for 2yrs running just recently,also no sex for ages(kept getting a knockback)Now i dnt wanna know,h says i should do it wiv him whateva!Leaving him!

  9. Hi Emily,

    Glad you found the blog. Hope you find something here that will help you get more and more clarity. Haven’t been around much since the summer but hopefully will get back to blogging directly.

    Your story is sounding very familiar– what is it with these guys? Do they all get the same script at puberty?

    Seriously. . .

  10. Like some1 once said”your life is your own,you own it & nobody else”i just hope i can rebuild my confidence,i shall go Salsa Dancing to meet new people & also Amatuer Dramatics,i also need to get a move,but i love my block,where my flat is,it’s just going out i fear,also i suffer from OCD so this will probably keep me busy,whilst i grieve over this relationship loss in the Christmas Period,i am strong & have grown up alot just lately,i just hope the loneliness doesn’t get me coming back once i’ve left…it’s for the rest of my life,i really don’t wanna be writing the same whinings in 40yrs time,like my big bro says”you’d get less for life!”also me having an affair,i really don’t think it warrants his cruelty towards me,if i repulse him so much,why doesn’t he just call it a day…i know he can’t forget,i don’t expect that,but forgive after so many decades,he is stuck on revenge,he aint changing & i’ve gotta start the new yr as i mean to go on,Happy,Single,New Hobbies ie.Salsa & hopefully i’ll get over abuser!

  11. Cheers Idae,this is the 1st time i’ve been brave enuff to write my feelings,your right thou,about these guys getting the same script in puberty,he really is a pain!!! I can’t stay over christmas wiv his mad dinner rules ie.last year i was having serious pmt pains,hanging onto the side in the kitchen & he still wouldn’t help with the cooking,so i think i’ve done my “Mary Poppins”bit for the ungrateful Mr.Agro Abuser & i certainly wud rather have christmas dinner in a soup kitchen than with him,he thnks he’s a King or something to be served,wouldn’t mind if he treated me like a princess/queen but no he’s the king of mean! I had some rages a while bck & could easily ended up hurting him (in my head)i couldn’t physically do it,it’s not my nature!He changes like the weather,so sick tht i waited alll these years for “it” 2 change!All th men(& most of th women)are very much lyk this towards their partners(well th 1’s tht stick arnd)Even his sister said he’s a master manipulator & so is her son,glad i had no children

    • I hear you. There came a point where I knew for a certainty that I’d would rather live under a bridge the rest of my life than spend one more minute with that jackass. That was one of those turning point moments– fear of poverty couldn’t hold me back any longer.

      Had plenty of other fears to face before that last link broke and I walked out the door but I’m betting you understand.

  12. *meant to put ;All the men in his family*…just gotta put tht straight,i haven’t given up on all men,i’ve 3 brothers so love mens company,i’m a people pleaser to my detriment!!! I am apparently a ‘beacon’to controlling men,so for a good year after this shambles has ended,i need to find myself again,the happy Emily,sociable & plenty of friends,friendly with just about everybody positive…he took my shine away from me,when i look bck at photo’s i can see the shine fading,thats the only way i can explain the effects an abuser has on a person,they feel inaedequate so see a really,happy,confident beautiful thing & just want to destroy it, taking a beautiful bright painting & throwing black or red paint all over the painting,untill it just ruins in the artists/abusers company!At the end of the day he doesn’t even know what he’s doing is wrong,he’s such a sociopath also…i said ‘shall we go counselling,if i’m the 1 with the problem?’ he said ‘you go,i don’t need to’!i thought i was crazy for yrs!Ty Idae

  13. Yea i sure do understand Ida Mae,i must apologise as i wrote the last bit b4 this part,as you were replying(you must think”what an ignorant woman)sorry honey,got carried away & my lil phone only gives me so much space to write,then i start to re-add after each post(coz i’ve got verbal diarheao,always been talkative & since i’ve no1 to talk to it just spills out all over when i’m writing,lol!)But yea your right,even living in a cardboard box would be more dignified than this!!!But i’m gonna start detoxing & detaching frm my abuser,so it’s not such a “shock”or “unbearably lonely”when i eventually have enuff money to stay self-sufficient,he always seems on his best behaviour b4 i get my payday,i’m on benefits aswell!Alot of my doe goes 2wards th egotistical a-holes car,wander how he’ll survive wen i’m gone,nomore help 2wards that upkeep!He was controlling after the 1st 6mnths,wat 2 wear,where to go,at 1st i thought it was a compliment & he loved me so much!No this was th 1st sign,ifi knew wati know now,i’d RUN

    • Don’t you worry about getting carried away. We all need to unload–part of the process. When I was going through it, I called that Word Vomit. Couldn’t seem to help myself. Flood gates open and here comes the torrent, lol!

  14. Darn right there Ida,just like Vomit,i like tht comparison like purging all the bad out of our heads!Yesterday was a real good moment yesterday when his friend,also my friend(but he says their his friends)Well anyway the friend spoke to me as he left the room for a minute,he was the most unlikely person tht i ever thought would stickup for me,he said”why’s he so grumpy?” i reply”oh you’ve noticed,alot of pple have,he does it all the time!”…he replied”i know & i don’t know why you putup with it”,then he comes in apparently hearing 1/2 the convo & said “ahh what am i,grumpy is it”i looked to the ground asi was paralysed to say anything,luckily he didn’t hear the bit when his friend said “i don’t know how you putup wiv it”luckily this guy managed to smooth it over,saying “yea just saying how grumpy u can be thats all”…it was like am “Halejah!”moment,i’m not mad,pple have started to notice,have noticed for a longtime,& most of em are his friends(our male friends)But why do i putup wiv it,i have to leave,wishi

    • Emily– I’m not going to tell you what you should and shouldn’t do. Of all the people in the world, I know that’s not how it works. Some day you’ll realize that you’re done. Finished. Filled up to the top and not one more drop of his crap will fit and you will know. Took me thirty two years and it’s different for everyone.

      I believe you are a strong, capable woman who can fly once you find the wind under your wings. Not something you can see, but you’ll feel the power underneath, supporting you and you’ll get the crap out of that mess and rebuild your life in peace and safety.

      Just imagine what you can accomplish without that boat anchor around your neck!

  15. Had the strength,i have actually taken to taping him when he turns into this monster & i couldn’t believe the things i heard when i played them bck,he threatened to smash up my phone against the wall,called me childish,said”your not gonna alienate me against all my friends like you did wen we lived nr my mum”& i thought”well you did tht all yourself when you ran off wiv a few grand of your friends money,also treated his other friends like crap,like he does me!But taping an abuser & playing it bck,it felt like i was listening to A MONSTER & i wasa lil mouse,not daring to answer bck,i just wanna go home,i spoke to a male friend on & he said “don’t worry about the money,just go”…i’ve managed to hide a lil bit of money & i cud actually getup & leave right now,whilst he’s out,but i just worry about how i’m gonna get alll my clothes out on the bus!!!Also i don’t know how long he’s gonna be,i’ll just be walking out down the road & he’s bound to comeback!I called him abuser today & he laughed,but hey ho :/

  16. I just wish my dad wud come & get me,you need tht support,but he’s grown sick of coming & picking me up,he has a heart condition aswell & is on beta blockers,i really dnt want to bring him into this yet again,it’s too much for family after a while(especially when i’ve comeback so many times)They say an abused woman on average,has 100 incidents before she will leave an abusive partner for good!He’s still out,b4 he left & we we’re well he was ranting,i said “don’t speak to me like tht,it’s abusive,how are you gonna get fags if i dnt give you the money,why should i give you anything!”he replied”i’m gonna get the money off you,don’t make me do something i don’t wanna do!”so i handed over the money,he then called me a ‘dictator’i replied ‘your the dictator & tht’s what all dictators say’,he told me he was beginning to really hate me,i thought well ditto,i have been repulsed by you & your behaviour for years,i hate the way he turns the tables & says all th things tht you’d expect an abused person to say,tmoz leave

  17. Cheers Ida Mae,it really helps to hear your story(only just saw tht part)I can’t believe you putup with the same sort of thing for 32yrs,thts like a 1/3 of your lifetime,welldone honey you really deserve a medal!!! I can’t putup with this for another 10yrs i’ll endup getting sectioned :/ Also i’m sure i’ve suffered a few breakdowns along the way(which is why my doctor is sending me to a psychotherapist’s after christmas)This should help,as (fingers crossed)i’ll be needing some high intensity therapy for getting over it!!! I don’t like the way he can be oh so nice for 1 week,especially when he know’s i maybe about to walk out of the door,it’s like he is on best behaviour untill it comes to a day when i have no escape route ie.Xmas when all the buses aren’t running or on a sunday wen my dad is relaxing wiv his g.friend(i don’t wana bring dad in2 it,drives him crazy)Dad said somethin similar 2 wat u’ve said”life is short & time flys,once ur bck on ur own u’ll strt 2 enjoy th freedoom once th shackles have gone!”

  18. Thankyou for listening Ida Mae,you really make sense of the situation & know how it feels,i’m glad i’ve found your blog,bcoz i can only go onto some ie.Kelly Jo Hollies,if i have a computer to sign in on & i only have my phone so it’s great tht ur site allows me to do this(also means he can’t nosey into my browsing history aswell)I’ve started to share lil snippets with my friends on & i got alot of support,there’s 1 friend tht is going thru the same thing,but i feel more for her as she had the abuser’s baby,she has 2 lil boy’s also & absolutely no family network nearby,they’re waay to judgemental i’m guessing bcoz her lil baby is of mixed heritage,btw the baby is beautiful,but the sperm donor is horrific in his treatment towards her ie.scrapping,had an affair wiva younger woman & left her wen she was 6mnths pregnant,but he still tries to drift in & out,so we sort of talk privately thru our inboxes,i wanna be a mum but i think he has robbed me of ever bcoming a mum now,i fear it maybe too late! 😥 x

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s