Recommended: Lundy Bancroft: When His Put-Downs Sound True

Standard

Take a grain of truth, wrap with hatred and malice, slather generously with a critical spirit. Serve up constantly with breakfast, lunch and dinner and watch the wife and kiddies develop into raging lunatics, complete with oozing internal sores, easy to jab anytime you  feel like having a little fun.

Nothing like the delicious anticipation of watching a teenager self implode  while awaiting that prime moment you get to crush them for disrespecting your God-ordained authority.

Kiss, Kiss

I have a survivor crush on Lundy Bancroft, no lie. His latest article over at Healing and Hope, is brilliant with a clarity available only to someone who’s fought Goliath a few dozen times.

Here’s number three on his list of reasons *not* to accept  your abusers twisted viewpoint:

(I’d like to just quote the whole article but that seems a wee bit naughty)

3) Because he’s ignoring how profoundly his mistreatment of you has contributed to these problems, or even created them entirely. When you live with a chronically insulting and undermining partner, your self-esteem suffers, your friendships suffer, your concentration suffers. He’s certainly not helping – he’s making everything worse.

One of the reasons we accept the poisonous insults lobbed our way  involves the nature of the sandwich. We can hear the truth and identify. We cannot discern the malicious intent behind the words. There’s no point trying. Throw the whole thing away and start from scratch.

Thank you, Dr. Bancroft.

You can read the entire article here: When His Put-Downs Sound True

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16 responses »

  1. Hello ‘Sis’ —

    One of the most sickening things about all of this is the lather-rinse-repeat of it all. I don’t know if it makes me mad or glad that the beasts among us and their father, Satan, are so flippin’ unoriginal.

    Target child. That’s the term. One is a “good” child and one an “evil” child. Sometimes I think that my ex anti-husband treated my oldest daughter as he would not DARE to treat me. She had to leave home mid-way through her senior year when I filed for divorce as his response was to go nuts on the kids, mostly her.

    Fast forward 5 years and he repeats the pattern with my younger two children (his biologically, but I refuse to say “our” children, as he is as much anti-father as he was anti-husband, and I REFUSE to share anything with him.

    Pattern repeats once they hit puberty, to the point that he pushes our youngest son to the point of suicide for his own good apparently, since he was merely exercising not only his God-ordained but in his mind, his God-mandated control and authority.

    Only this time, divorce in place. 18 months of counseling and court processes later, he is now identified legally by the courts as an abuser of all 4 children and the youngest to the point of suicide.

    His loving “takaway?” That he failed ONLY to tell me about our son’s suicidal thoughts. Not that he caused them. Oh well, at least this time he learned “something.”

    Lather.
    Rinse.
    Repeat.

    And where are the church and the people of God? Silent, for the most part, except of course for those still telling me that “God hates divorce.”

    Ida Mae, you are the voice of much pain and insane moments still within me dying to get out. Thank you, love, and keep talkin’.

    Elizabeth

  2. I think they go nuts on the child because the children are *totally* dependent. What’s a kid going to do? Protest? Launch a campaign? A wife can leave if she can get clarity long enough. She can call the police. She can tell her friends if she still has any. The threat is small and gets smaller the more control he gains but it’s still possible.

    But a child? They try to fight back and get punished, over and over and over again. They seethe inside, building resentment, no idea how to handle all those conflicting emotions they can’t even identify and no acceptable outlet whatsoever for all that anger and pain. So they act out, get in trouble, get labeled.

    I can handle just about anything related to his treatment of me but there are memories of what the beast did to my children. . . things I found out later, things I’m still hearing about today. Sometimes a scene will come rushing back with such force, I can’t keep the car on the road.

    Some days its just too much. I have to remember my children need me to be strong and sane for the duration. They need me to be healthy and to move forward so they can see how its done. That’s really all I can do any more.

    And tell the truth. No covering, no hedging, no dodging. What happened to you isn’t right. It wasn’t fair. Not every father is like that. You don’t have to repeat the pattern.

    Oh and I hate that catch phrase– God Hates Divorce. Well, so do I. I hate that its necessary. I hate what he did but I have zero control over someone else’s choices.

    Thanks Elizabeth~

    • Yep, god hates divorce alright, but can you attach another word to his distain for a man who abuses his family? Sometimes people who refuse to wake up are better off to shut up!!!

      Cling to God, yes! But I am sorry, mans church is full of a bunch of like minded blinded little mice. They throw verses at your situation because they refuse to look at you, I mean REALLY look at whats going on….they think throwing out quotes will cover their responsibility in holding abuser accountable, but NO its much simpler for them to duck and run….the pastors wifes, are just as ignorant, when they should be helping, but unfortunately ALOT of them are being abused themselves, and for them to speak out would be shattereing the only thing that keeps them together, the outside appearance of “I am better, that would NEVER happen to me or my children”

      God does NOT hate divorce from abuse, God does NOT hate a protective, loving Mother….

      But hey I am NO expert!!! Remember the same people who tell you stupid crap like that are the same people who will ultimately blame YOU for the trouble your kids might be having!!! They tell you to stay, then convieniently turn around and blame you for the consequences if you stay…..

      I am sick over how the church keeps on with their support of abusive men, and how they keep making excuses and blame shifting everything on to Mothers, I really wanna swear at them right now!!! But I know that would be wrong of me, Idiots!!!!! okay, i feel better

      You are a wonderful, caring, smart Mom and your kids are miles ahead of most who have endured what you guys have, reason being is because they have YOU!!!!!

      Keep speaking out on their behalf.

      It kinda sickens me how abusers get away with createing so much choas and havoc, yet the church for whatever reasons they have, when it comes to abuse its like their eyes gloss over, they start twitching, I swear at times during counseling I have witnessed some sort of alien abduction occurr? I think one of the pastors at some point had like an outer body experience right in front of me??…..idiots!! I hope i do not get banned for name calling, but if there is all this information, and thousands of people with the same kind of stories, and they are refusing to connect the dots…….then i am sorry, what does that make them? Idiots.

      • = just to side note, I know the courage it would take a pastors wife to come forward out from under her own abusers control to comfort somebody in need….just did not mean that as harsh as it came out, God did not intend for women to be oppressed by men, rather as equal
        heirs, according to HIS words. Sometimes also, denial can run so deep, that she or they may not even recognize her husbands conrol over her, so the word ignorant was only meant as her lack of knowledge to what she herself may be up against. Unfortunately i have come across many women who have been abused, rather than showing compassion they take on the attitude that they somehow are stronger, and better…part of denial i guess. Nonetheless its fear based when their reaction is that of support for your abuser, or the air of superiority that makes an abused woman want to never open up again.

  3. “Survivor crush”.

    LOL! I do like your writing style, sister!

    Lundy Bancroft has been such a blessing to me, too.

    Now to figure out how to subscribe to this blog and read more.

  4. Testing… testing… 1-2-3…

    I just left a comment, but now it disappeared. I’m not sure if this is a comment-moderated blog or if I messed up.

    • Hi again! Yes, it’s moderated so comments go by me first. Had a few trolls at first so the settings are pretty high.

      I don’t mind polite disagreement but folks around here have been through enough without getting trashed again. (Bad enough *I* have to read them.)

      Welcome!

  5. I just found your blog and look forward to visiting often. I had to tell you that I got a good chuckle from your comment…”I have a survivor’s crush on Lundy Bancroft”!!! I can relate!!! How can you not “feel” something for this man who has opened the doors to reality, who speaks to our hearts and encourages us to live!

  6. ” In the back of every pastors mind, young or old is…”if he is REALLY as she says, why is she still with him” Ironically the same thinking as an abuser, also confirming to them she must be exagerating, or lying or she wants out because she has another man, OR….

    . they all find ways, either wittingly or un’-wittingly to blame the victom. There is as much accountability for an abuser in the church infrastructure as in the family court systems.

    Pastorial counseling with an abusive spouse is a mistake. You will hear assnine things like “Maybe your marriage is your cross to bear. …Hmmm? if i only I had a cross THAT heavy, the things I could do with it???
    OR if he hits you thats one thing BUT if he hits the children, well then thats another thing…..uh? NO thats other PEOPLE!!!
    I once had a pastor tell me “perhaps its gods will for you to go home at the hands of your husband”
    …perhaps its just time for YOU to go home!!

    Every ignorant statement just puts you in the place your abuser wants you, in the double bind that makes you feel hopeless and confused. They do not MEAN to put women and children at farther risk, BUT that is only if you specifically ask them ” So you think its okay for a man to hit, manipulate, threaten, verbally abuse, financial abuse his family” Ya put it that way and you will get a strikingly different answer then what he gives an abused woman in private, hmmm?? Sounds alot like abuse itself?

    The bottom line is pastorial counseling puts women and children in an abusive relationship at greater risk, it only prolongs the invetiable solution, and keeps women trapped far longer then they may have decided on their own. Rather than accepting the horrors of what your abuser puts you through at home they instictively try to find fault in you for causing his bad behavior. They ALWAYS counsel couples together, in an abuse situation that is a HUGE red flag.

    I think they should be accountable for their ingnorance, looking the other way IS NOT A FORM OF MEANING WELL!!!! Its apathy, and it makes them hypocrites. Honestly they perpetuate spousal abuse, and they actually support it every time the refuse to educate themselves as counselors!!

  7. Lundy Bancroft personally called me in 2008 during one of the horrific trips I was making to the family court to stand up against yet another contested restraining order hearing against my spouse. My spouse had a ten year span of restraining orders, all in effect, all that were broken, only the ones after i filed for divorce did he start contesting, nonetheless he lost. Anyway if it werent for Lundys book The Batterer as a Parent, and Why Does He Do That…I am certain my kids and I would not be doing as well as we are. Nothing was going to stop this person from threatening, stalking and making our lives miserable, living with anxiety, stress and constent fear. People always judged us based on anything he said, all stuff he used to deflect from his own bad behavior. He woul do the most bizzare things, that way if I told anyone they would think I was lying because they would say “why on earth would anybody do that?” Everywhere we went, it was like the Big SET UP….he had to run around making sure everyone got his side of the story so he looked, smelt, and felt like a n actual human being. A gifted spin Doctor.

    He is a Christian, gag choke, I am wheezing now…the church was his biggest ally, they always welcomed him, patted him on the back, and seem to feel good about themselves, after all I was the un ruly wife, actually allowing my children to have thoughts and voices of their own!!! Every church we try to attend he was in the background somewhere playing the poor victomized husband who only wanted his family back, and I was refusing re conciliation therefore i was the EVIL WoMAN!!! Sounds archaic, right? I actually had Deacons of a church come to court on his behalf and never even met my kids or I?? Talk about crazy!!! when your being abused by somebody you always feel the need to defend yourself, and honestly if I did not have the actual truth about my husband verified to me through Lundys work, i would of seriously been a broken person. So i removed myself, not from God but mans church.

    Despite years of legally trying to get free, unfortunately NOW he has the LEGAL right to stalk, hunt find us. Seems family court doesnt hold them accountable either, civilly you get restraint orders But in Family law that doesnt even translate. I retained Sole custody and fought until the end for supervised visits do to him never being a parent, the years of documented abuse, felony assaults, not to even mention the obsessions with guns, the verbal threats against mine and my kids lives, proof he obtained a gun illegally during having a restraint order, other than the stalking, drive bys, threatening letters, turned into the court letters hand written by him saying he was sorry for physcally abusing the kids and I, he even signed them, but obviously he only did it to try to sway me back, and so anyone who counseled us would see them and then tell me to forgive him, after all he said he was SORRY??????!!!!, anyways, point being he had no real prior relationship with kids, just used them as pawns to threaten me, he has had no relationship with them…..BUT I could NOT protect them by law.
    We fled, went into hiding and NOW of course the courts, in our absence handed him over custody, handing him over the legal right to abuse and stalk. Sad but true story. Still wont make him a parent on any level, but hey adds to his list of things he is entitled to, and he is more than likely thrilled with the support he found within attorneys and family law….by the way, PEOPLE!!!! If your not speaking out against abuse, then you are supporting it!!!! Especially in the mind of an abuser!!!

    But hey!! He can beat me, but he cannot beat me!!! On a positive note, after a long three year struggle of pretty much enduring homlessness, we are doing good. Inspite of him, we as a family cannot be broken.

    I really just want to help, anybody that needs understanding and real support. I UNDERSTAND all the diabolical twists and turns, and torture abusers can force upon somebodys life….maybe if i had the support through my process i would of felt better BUT in the end -not having it has made me more spunky, and ready to provide that support to another person that needs it. I dunno? I wish I had a magical fairy friend that would just make people open their minds and understand what an urgency it is to update, re-educate through a broken family court system, and on the home front some mandatory education for pastors, young and old. Standards have to be set to hold these people accountable for their own behavior.

    They may never REALLY feel bad or REALLY repent But at least they would not find support in these places.

    They may only learn by a shock collar! Wont change them but will hurt just a little.

    Seriously though, on behalf of thousands of families trying to get free, there MUST be Mandatory education flooding the two major places that should be helping women and children instead of supporting and aiding abusive men. CHURCHES AND ALL FAMILY LAW PLAYERS INCLUDING DHS, CPS, SHELTERS, LAWYERS, JUDGES, EVALUATORS.

    I remember one girl at DHS, obviously we were there for help with food due to my spouse cutting us off financially, the money ebbed and flowed right along with the abuse cylce, anyway I was trying to get assstance of any kind, and the girl behind the counter flat out said to me, and I am quoting her ” Well when was the last time he hit you??””” words cannot describe the backhanded slap i felt inside, I did respond though, i said “” What difference does it make if he hit me or not? Much less WHEN?????”” I am surprised she did not ask the time of day, and exactly how hard?? like was it a punch or a slap???

    My point is, she was obviously NOT educated and to an abused women, the smallest dumb ass comments from behind a counter, especially a place she goes for help, can ultmately re-abuse her, make her turn away from the help she is so bravely and humbly seeking..also a good reminder is to remember abuse does not discriminate based on color, or socio-economic status. I remember feeling like she was judging me, or actually questioning if i was telling her the truth….perhaps because i did not “LOOK” like i needed help. Just one of my many encounters that came to mind.

    Hope some of this helps somebdy to not feel alone.

    With Love, Us

    • You bring up a really important point here– the secondary abuse that occurs to women and children through the family court system. Scary what the courts can do.

      We need a major overhaul of the entire system. My ex said time and time again that he *would* get full custody, whatever it took, and that he *would* turn the kids against me. That fear kept me tied to him an extra fifteen years and no, it didn’t get any better. Just traded one form of abuse for another.

      Thank you for sharing a piece of your story!

  8. HA, HA, HA! A survivor’s crush! I believe he is single, ladies! I’m reading and commenting about 2 years late, but still! The first things that came to mind upon reading a page or two of his books were: Who is this man? Is he married? I bet he’s married… He’s not married?!? … How is that possible? Is he gay?? Oh, dear goodness, don’t let him be gay!!

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