Death of an Abuser

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Tonight I’m going to the funeral of an abusive man. No, his wife did not kill him although how she restrained herself all these years is a mystery.

In fact, this wife was just about as mean to others as her husband was to her. She served him slavishly, catering to his temper, his drinking, his demands for total control over her and their nine children. As far as I could see, he contributed nothing. She turned her anger outward, lashing out at anyone offering friendship. She circled the wagons, developed a them-against-us attitude toward outsiders and twisted realities to fit her viewpoint, carrying those twisted tales to others and causing all sorts of mayhem.

I doubt she ever knew why.

Once years ago, long before I realized my own mess of a life, this woman called crying. She said her husband had laid out his current demands for a cleaner house, children who obeyed instantly at his command (apparently their ‘rebellion’  was her fault because she did not ‘follow through’ when he wasn’t around) and greater progress with the children’s academic work as she was clearly lazy and his offspring, all being geniuses, should be above grade level in every subject.

Listening to my friend, I knew her husband had her cornered. I told her he was being unreasonable. I said she needed help. Perhaps they could hire someone to come in once a week to scrub the floors and bathrooms? She said her husband contended that if she managed her time more wisely, she could get everything done the way he wanted. He believed the children should be cooking and cleaning but had zero tolerance for a learning curve, immaturity or ‘sloppy work’, spanking them if the cleaning didn’t pass his inspection. Even the toddlers were required to perform to adult standards or else.

I pointed out her workload which included a newborn waking her up randomly all night ( her husband couldn’t be bothered as he had to work the next day), three toddlers in various stages of potty training and five others taught entirely by her ranging from those learning to read to one preparing for the SAT, a huge home that in olden days would have required an entire staff to keep clean and an almost grown son who wasn’t allowed to help as this was ‘woman’s work.’

When she insisted they could not afford to hire a maid, I pointed out her husband could sell his private airplane and the monthly fee for hanger rental alone could pay for someone to come in weekly. She said I didn’t understand and I never heard from her again.

She’s right. I didn’t and I still don’t.

We haven’t spoken in years and I doubt she wants to see me. Knowing then what I know now, I would have approached things different, speaking to the root of the poison tree rather than the rotted branches.  More than likely, our friendship would have ended regardless. But telling her to hire a maid when her husband had the entire family under lock and key makes about as much sense as insisting she sprout wings and fly.

She never thought of herself as abused. I tell myself  many things can change in seven years and I pray truth broke through at some point. Call me cynical, but I doubt it.

My guess? She will now canonize the creep. In death, he will become the Godly Man of her Dreams he never was in her nightmarish life.

I hope I’m wrong. I hope for her sake and the sake of her children she found the truth. Otherwise, I suspect the entire bunch will repeat the pattern for generations to come.

Dear Lord above, please let me be wrong.

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25 responses »

  1. This lady’s life, sadly, is a poster-wife model of what not to do. Abuse is cunning and deceptive. We have to cut each other some slack because of it. It can take years and years to wake up to it, especially when our friends and churches add to the fog. But…. in the end each one of us has a choice to make. If we choose to harbor sinful anger and then unleash it upon others, we will be held accountable for it before the Lord. We wont’ be able to resort to the abuser’s own tactics of blaming someone else, playing the victim, or any other deception because you just can’t mock the Lord. He sees it all.

    You will soon know at the funeral what choice this lady makes about her deceased. I would not be at all surprised if someone, perhaps even a “minister,” pronounces the culprit “in a better place.” I actually agree with that — as far as the rest of us in this present life, such a wicked man is in a better place. Better, because he is not here.

    • I’m sure not looking forward to this funeral. Hearing the man praised to excess will grate on my last nerve and there’s no way anyone’s getting up there and telling the truth with his nine kiddies sitting on the front pew.

      For the wife’s sake, I feel I need to go. I have no doubt she’s heard the gossip about my circumstances. Maybe if she ever wants to talk, she’ll feel free to make contact.

  2. Some things about this sound so familiar… we have 8 children. But, Private PLANE? And no household help for the wife buried under responsibility for gestating, nursing, and homeschooling nine children?

    God showed me that KEEP the home is not about domestic servitude but about protecting my children (and husband insofar as he permits it- in this case, submitting to wifely “protection” would involve laying down the addiction). http://hupotasso.wordpress.com/2009/07/19/a-womans-place-keeper-at-home/

    • I was beyond shocked when I found out about that plane. Something for him and his teenage son to play with as a reward for all his hard work supporting his family (sarcasm intended.)

      I’ve always thought this case was a poster child for the fact that a family can be relatively wealthy and the narcissistic abuser can still keep his wife and kids in poverty. She clothed herself and all those kids at the local shelter’s thrift store for goodness sake.

  3. Oh, my dear, I hope you are wrong, too, but I think this person has a deep seated need to be a victim (yes, it was beaten into her, probably from childhood, but it is now HER identity and her choice to let go of it), Now she will be the victim who has lost the precious husband, and revel in her new role as widow.

    • I hope I’m wrong. So much can happen in the a few years and I have to remember how much I’ve changed in that time. But if not, then its sure going to show now.

      • I’ve been processing since last night.

        There wasn’t a wet eye in the place, even with the slideshow and tear-jerk music score. The tributes seemed forced even from (or maybe especially from) the younger children. The two friends who gave eulogies seemed to be trying too hard to find something nice to say and some of the stories they told were cringe-worthy. Stories were told of him ‘disciplining’ the children with the paddle. The man’s best friend actually tried to make a joke of this and made pointed remarks to one of the teen boys about how often he had to be paddled. Did not go over well.

        The airplane was mentioned from the pulpit no less. The pastor quoted the wife who said that the day her husband sold the plane was the happiest day of her life. My friend sitting beside me punched me in the ribs so hard I almost fell over.

        No one tried to grant the man sainthood which was a relief. They just said he loved God, loved his wife and loved baseball. The only antidotes to back that up were baseball stories. I guess one out of three. . .

        Glad its over.

      • Yup, and now the rest is up to Someone greater than any of us. Who knows, maybe one day you’ll be getting a phone call from a woman who needs to talk … I’ll be praying for you, dear one!

    • Do not agree with the statement she has “” a deep seeded need to be a victom””…and its not really her CHOICE if she is NOT aware of the tacticts of an abuser. People rarely have a deep seeded need to feel hopeless and full of despair, and the path to freedom from it is not so clear, its a road filled with cinder blocks usually falling on your head….because ABUSE doesnt occur because women are out there with a deep seeded need to be abused…. that is crazy talk. If an abusive man read that statement, no matter what spin you put on it, he would whole heartedly agree.

      • Well. . . we all make choices whether we are aware of them or not. And I have known a few victims who turned around and used their pent-up anger to abuse others further down the pecking order while still in abusive situations themselves.

        Agreed that abuse doesn’t *occur* because of a ‘deep-seated need to be a victim’– that is always 100% on the abuser. But I might argue that some chose to stay because they learned certain patterns of behavior, perhaps a victim mentality they saw modeled as children. There are some– like yourself– who desperately fight to get free and raise their children in freedom. But not all. That doesn’t make what their abuser does okay. But it doesn’t excuse them for what they pass on down the line.

        I know a mother who sounds a lot like yours and she was just as abusive in her own way as those who victimized her. She played the victim and the martyr at every turn. And she is also 100% responsible for her treatment of her children.

      • Ya i agree whole heartedly, i am not sympathetic to how she treats me or my children, how she trys to lead them into thinking everything is excusable, my kids are wise to her and they stand up to her ignorance like I do. They love Gma, I love my mom BUT I do not accept her excuses or do I not believe she wont be held accountable. Like women who, look the other way because they chose to when they know their husband is a pedaphile. I know what anger i feel towards the denial generation as it is, and she is a cohert in that. I understand, i also had a best friend, who was in the same situation as I, she also turned on us, she was the person who no matter what you said she always had a different take on it, and her take was always the more knowledgable one. She was an abused women yet she was condescending to others, she loved to talk about how everyone else in the world was stupider than her and her Stanford education!!!! It was like she thrived on being the know it all of the universe, it just got to where I could not even talk to her anymore, she was beligerant,and frankly abusive towards me!!!! They were a very well off family too, I mean maybe that gave her , in her mind, gave her a superiorty complex, her excuse to be an ass, but she was so above everyone else, she could not smell her own doo doo.

        i think i have mention too in earlier comments about the women, pastors wifes, attorneys, social services, DHS etc, the women who take their own crap out on others, and it is wrong and infuriationg, unfortunate for others who may need support etc….they all in some way hold the same denial up as a wall to bully others…

        My mom is not a bully, rather she has no empathy, she in her mind is NEVER responsible for what comes out of her mouth, she is like vacant when it comes to feeling other peoples pain, yet if you ever confront her, she immediately tells you your too sensitive, or she will just deny that she even said the hurfull thing, her need to be the center of attention is SO strong it over shadows everything else that exists in the world, i guess if I gotta label it its Narrcisism, sprinked with imbeded denial, slathered with complete lack of empathy. Its sickening, and it gives me ulcers. She refuses to even entertain anything she has ever said or done was at our expense……so ya like i said, NOT a fan, and not a fan of people with the same mindset!!!……ugh! ulcer!!!

        So yes, I have a fractured relationship with my childrens Gma, and yess she has abused us, just like at church with the ignorant comments that make you feel like you have just been backhanded. I get that she willingly, ignored the education she was given, and she is making the choice again, knowing that growing up we suffered at the hands of the same person. its a fine line. I get angry with her when i think about it, but know I cannot honestly say like she would say to me”that I somehow must enjoyed my husbands abuse” I get what you are saying, and I agree…..its out of my hands, i move forward with my kids and am grateful they do not have to endure what I did with my parents, and Gramma is pretty much on her own. Im not a fan.

      • i move forward with my kids and am grateful they do not have to endure what I did with my parents, and Gramma is pretty much on her own. Im not a fan.

        Like that 🙂

      • Like I said a fine line, like we understand the Dynamics of abuse, not everyone does so to say, or even reffer to a victom of abuse that may be reading a blog, maybe you have a deep seeded need to be a victom, could be very damaging. Only because the mindset of an abuser would twist that into something else, like he may tell his victom, “If i am sooooo bad then why are you with me?” Or all the blatant and subtle ways they can penetrate your thinking, and abused women may be being told the exact same thing at home. So it just struck a cord in me, back in the day I was reaching out for help, that comment may have made me question myself, like was it all my fault or not? ya, fine line. Still, relation to my mom and others like her i get it. But to a women in an abusive situation NOW, looking for answers and help, possibly very damaging, thats all. Thanks for hearing me out….

        Also if you were in a situation of abuse out of modeled behavior, that would mean it was all you knew, therefore like you said they have that behavior, not so much of being a victom but of how relationships are suppose to be like… that would mean they really did not see his behavior as abusive. To them was just normal. you treat somebody you love like dirt, thats just how life is…..its hard to explain, but what she said about being a victom, and having a need for it. is saying to someone OTHER than the women who end up abusing others, but to somebody innocently comming on here for help, that would hurt them and make them question themselves, its REALLY close to the blaming the victom mentality. Even if that was not intended. Sorry haha now i am done,

      • I hear you. I had to go back and look. The original comment you referenced was from someone with years of experience counseling women and I have a ton of respect for her opinions because I’ve gotten to know her compassion and care. She’s one of the good guys. Honestly, I’m not sure how I feel on any of this– still sifting through. But I’ve encountered enough toxic victims to know that not everyone gets free and, in some cases, they seem to be getting some type of pleasure out of staying in darkness. They are the ones who stay, become bitter and then try to beat all the other victims.

        Thankfully, the vast majority of women I’ve met since coming out have been wonderful. Not perfect, but strong, courageous and doing everything they can to move forward and heal.

        Oh! One thing you said really struck home. Your mom said, ‘excuse me for not wanting to be alone.’ Wow! What a horrible, horrible thing to say! To value your own comfort over the safety and emotional needs of your own children! Talk about selfish.

  4. Wow, this sounds so much like my ex-in-laws. My ex-MIL played the martyr for 50 years until my ex-FIL died. And she took her 3 sons (my ex included) down with her. When he died (ex-FIL), he suddenly became a sainted war hero, the wonderful father he had never been. He was a “complex” man, they said. It was crazyville, and they tried to take ME with them. Anyone who would not join in on the glorifying of the deceased abuser became “the enemy”. Friends who had been there for them forever, if they knew the truth, were regarded as pariah, and cut off and out of their lives completely.

    My ex became worse than ever before when his dad died. He BECAME his dad.

    And our marriage ended, because I wrote in my diary, 6 months after we married, “I could never stay married to him if he becomes just like his dad. I don’t know how his mom does it.” Now I know that she SHOULDN’T have done it.

    I just look at that broken, pitiful family, and know that I did the right thing, as awful and difficult as it was in ending my marriage. I HAD to break the cycle for MY kids.

    • Julie~ Thank you *so much* for posting this. That’s precisely what worries me, not just in this situation, but in so many others.

      You can not canonize someone just because they die.

      I saw this happen with the estranged with his own father. Things escalated like crazy when his dad passed because suddenly, his dad was right about everything no matter how crazy-nuts. He took to imitating his behavior in ways he’d never tried out before.

      So much truth in your comment~

      • Ida Mae,

        I’m so glad to see that someone else understands!

        My ex even started looking, dressing and LAUGHING like his dad! It was beyond creepy. He started wearing his cologne, which made me physically ill, and which he (the ex) used to complain about himself!!!

        I wish I could give even more examples, but like you, I am having to be careful not to give too much identifying info.

        It was like living in a Twighlight Zone. So glad it’s over. And I just pray soon enough to save my children.

      • Yes i agree in total, and I am sure she is one of the good guys, and I know no malice was intended. God keeps reminding me in little things, where I have been, what I have seen and gone through. I am so eternally grateful for the clarity, and compassion HE supplies me, its nothing i could of ever accomplished as an empty shell, a beaten empty shell. Sometimes I want to just move on, never think on it again, but I cannot because of how my own heart breaks for the pain of others. Again, MY first instict in my natural flesh is to just run like hell, and NEVER speak of this again.

        I dunno? I am just so honestly grateful for everyone who, even if they were few and far between, BUT everyone who gave me any kind of support, even the all knowing glance…..the one of understanding from a complete stranger.

        One day I was awaiting a restraint order hearing, that was being contested by my ex…he never by the way contested the last nine years of them, but this was in the context of our divorce. Trembling, nauseous I wait in the lobby, this lady. very tall, dark complexion, sat down next to me….she looked me in my soul, and said “YOU KNOW THAT YOU KNOW, WHAT YOU KNOW” she handed me her bible, she walked away and I never saw her again.
        First i was un-armed, then GOD spoke and armed me, put my kids and I in a safe place, and thrust me into a purpose. For somebody who at the time, had NO hope left in me, had felt raped of any sense of my own being……I had given up, he would even rescue us.

        HE promised me that day forward that he would save my children, that He is not only going before us, but He is our rear guard, maybe its not proper to put in my own words the words that come from ISAIHAH. I did not get to bring a bible with me when I left so Im relying on HIM here…..for ten years I have prayed for finality, more than the temporary physical freedom we are so grateful for now….

        For swiftness, for relief from oppression, to save my babies and their mom….He has let me know that HE will NEVER leave me stranded,. He says He is with us, and with lovingkindness He has drawn us. That He is with us to save us, and to save our seed from captivity, and to not fear or be dismayed for He will save us from afar.

        Sometimes, day five of being hungry because I have no money to feed my family, I question even my own motives, yet I would just tell myself that GOD did not bring us out here to drown…..then I was actually comforted by the truth of the memories I left behind, and again was reminded of the REAL truth. It was him or us. and it was NOT going to be us.

        If the GOD of all flesh tells me that there is HOPE IN MY FUTURE I choose to believe that.

        He promises that who ever wages a war against His own will fall, and he will rise up a new standard against the enemy.
        My vision I have of my kids with me when the storms approach us……that God would take us to that vision of the high rock in the middle of the sea, storms surround us, but they cannnot penetrate the warm sunlit wind that holds our arms around each other.

        I am still trusting HE will deliver us. …..He delivers the poor in their affliction, and opens their ears in opppression…

        Psalm i think 18-47 IT is God who avenges me, He delivers me from my enemies, He lifts me up above those who rise against me, He has delivered me from the violent man…..

        Honestly, in my body i know HE carried me, but the despair I suffered was like a cancer, and I could not escape my bodys feeling of what we were facing daily…..even thinking about that place i have been, i get a feeling of brokeness….

        Yet, I remember God telling me ..AGAIN i will build you, and you shall be rebuilt. Ahh!!!
        for that, I AM A FAN!!!

        And thanks for posting my comments. I appreciate being confirmed, that wether somebody is a biological parent, it does NOT mean they will look out for you best interests!!! PFFT try telling that to a pastor or a family court judge!!!

        Sincerely thanks!

    • Yes that is why its awesome every time somebody takes a stand to break the cycle, education and awareness are the tools people need so desperately, along with sincere support, patience and understanding. I understand the dynamics, being as my kids and i are the black sheeps of our family, and my Mom never stood up for us as children, she would say things like, “”he puts a roof over your head, he is just tired……blah, blah, blah. Shey also because of her need to get things OVER with when the cycle of abuse was near the physical stage she did provoke him into the violence that was inevitably going to happen regardless. And yes to us kids she seemed more to blame, because she was the ONLY person we had to get us the hell out of there!!!! We would beg and cry her to just leave and she wouldnt.

      To this day my sister still veiws her as instigator.. but as the truth is, He and only HE was the one who created the atmoshere of misery and fear, regardless of how she dealt, and her lack of knowing what she was doing. She could not step out of it, to see us clearly. Unfortunately my mom is still the same, she denys, makes excuses, for every male bad behavior there is.
      Just recently she said this to me about some man she met that she thought would be somebody that I may be interested in as a date, or whatever …..”” and he comes home everynight he has his son and makes him dinner!!!!!!”” she said it as if this was some miraculous feat he had achieved!!! My response was simply, the look of dear in headlights, and I may of threw up just a little in my mouth. Its like she though he deserved a freakin doses roses for this amazing thing he has done????? She just does not want to get it, she is comfortable with her denial. Far be it to her to actually see her own daughter sinle handedly raise, abuse free, three children. Oh ya, and i make them dinner too!!!!

      Its kinda creepy to think how she and alot of women seem to want to praise a man for the tiniest little gesture of parenthood, which is suppose to be in full half a resposibilty, including the diapers, shopping, help with auto and homelife…..but so many time they not only get off the hook But get sympathy and praise for doing very little by another women. Here i might mention that abusers are acutely aware of this, and i have had MANY pastors wifes treat me as if I was the bad person. Saying things like, “He just wants to be with his family” “he is just lonely” the sum was always, poor guy! My ex was so profoundly good at manipulating people in church, when i would seperate from him, he always came to church late. Serving two purposes: One, he could sit in back and keep an eye on me and who I spoke to. Secondly, he could sit in back making it appear as if I was being cold or aloof to him, giving him the look of POOR ME. Everyone at church would know we were seperated, so based on his stories, they time and time again would make my children and I feel alienated, because of HIS stories about us…..FREAK!!

      Well my mom. unfortunately got back with my Dad who financially controls her, tells her how to dress, but this was like one week after they both got a divorce from their last spouses. So they divorced like twenty years ago, remarried, divorced them THEN hooked up with each other…I guess because nobody else was around? My mom NEVER spent more than a week alone!!! So know she doesnt at this point WANT to get it. She remains imbeded in her denial. Years ago i cried to her, I told her how painful my childhood was and how I wished she would of left him….”| her response was something to the effect of “”WEll excuse me for not wanting to be alone!!!!!!””” Ya, at that point i chose to love her from a distance, many times during my own marriage, when I needed help her attitude was “”Well you must like it if your staying!! just REALLY ignorant things came out of her mouth!!! Yet I broke the cycle, literally for my kids and I, while they were young. Ten years or so ago, i gave my Mom the Lundy Bancroft book Why does he do that? Thought we could like bond over it, she would see the light so on and so forth. But she is with my Dad now, who I dont talk too because the last time they visited us, he called my children little assholes, stopped the car in the middle of an intersection and made us get out to walk home. All because i stood up to him, and my Mom who was there also tried to tell me he did not do it, yet both my kids were crying, and when she tried to make excuses for him I told her to NOT make excuses for him, especially in front of my kids because they should NOT accept that from anybody!!! And, I told her they do not need to hear their Gramma condone that type of behavior!! So, my Dad yelled at me to not dissrespect my MOM, because as we all know that was his job, and while he is throwing my kids and I out of the car, Gramma is quiet, feeling like her honor has just been defended by HIM!!!!!! So ya that is the sick twisted nature of abuse. We were the ones being abused by him, and she defends him, I stand up against the insanity and they somehow both walked away with an award.

      Unfortunately all my siblings use to be very close, but once I refused to join the party of my parents reconciliation, and once I fled permanently from my spouse, my kids and I stopped getting invited to family birthdays, christmas, etc,,, They treat me like the proverbial white elephant. Nobody wants to speak of the reality, its more comfortable for them to live in the same misery, none of my adult siblings ever sided with us on that incident, they just act as if it never happen because even though they see him abuse my mom in front of them, and they will even say he is not capable of being alone with their own kids, they still view US as the problem people in the family, the instigators of trouble so to speak. My Dad another time, while my kids were visiting Grma came barging into her house not knowing I was on the phone with my kids, he started yelling at her, and both my kids and when he realized I heard everything, THEN he stopped talking to ME for like a year!!! So after I left two years ago to get away from my spouse, I have very little contact with any of them. My siblings never, I almost think that somewhere in their minds they feel ashamed, or they admire me? Or they just think i am nuts? Or they just dont care anymore?…..I dunno?

      Its sad. Abuse alienates. Thats where it finds its power, and abusers are the oh so gifted spin doctors of alienation. If you feel alienated, you are far less likey to tell people the horrors you are facing with a spouse. The biggest fear of talking about it with another person is that they will NOT believe you, they will give you ways to fix him,as if he is your problem to fix, or they will say stupid shit like my mom would say to me. Those remarks can set somebody back into their hole of despair.

      Its better NOT to look at how somebody is reacting to years of being abused, but to stay focused on the problem, the ABUSER. He is causing the problem, they cannot be responsible for the effect and abuser is having on them, we may all react in that sort of high stress situation, when its your life at stake, its NOT what should be picked apart, its NOT what should be the focus in ANY way…. For example years later, the effect of abuse on your children, how they have endured, or sufferred at the hands of HIM, the effect is NOT your fault, the truth is, that before GOD the effect falls solely on HIM. At some point, when a victom is ready to leave, they do not need to be hearing things like “what about your kids?” The church is notorius for laying the rap of the welfare of the kids on the Mom…they slip her right into the double bind, essentially giving her the messege they will suffer somehow without their father. Kids suffer from abuse, they wont miss that. But again, the churches messege is “He is their father after all!!” Like that somehow trumps all his shit.

      A FATHER in the meaning of what it is suppose to be, is somebody who puts his family before his own self. His wife and kids come before his own needs. PERIOD. A father does not take custody of his kids from their mother, he does not make threats, or veiled threats, he does not intimidate, he does not leave them homeless, he does not stalk, yell obscenities, feel the need to LIE, call his kids mother a whore, financially manipulate and control, ok. Correct me if I am wrong but Husbands should support all they can for the needs of his family, yet in abuse situations there seems to still be the subltle messege from the church that his abuse is excusable because of all his stress to provide, and as anybody who has lived with an abusive spouse knows, the despair that come along with the enevitable financial abuses you are faced with. Abusive outbursts-financial abuse is directly related to the cover up. Abusive men know other men will be sympathetic to making you appear like your just not satisfied with what he can provide…its so disturbingly the opposite in most cases. you get it, this list could go on forever, A father woud wonder if his kids were hungry, or clothed, if his wife was happy and cared for. Simply a FATHER does not abuse his childrens MOTHER,

      Sometimes people are just not nice people or people we want to be friends with. Thats not wrong in itself, i generally dont like most people,,haha. BUT concerning the topic of abuse in families WE as supporters of the victoms, the women and children like ourselves we have to be very careful not to give the slightes leeway for an abuser to get off the hook.

      Honestly if men who abused found zero tolerance in our churches, and our churches no matter what errored on the side of women and children, then abuse would eventually DIE like it should out of our churches. AND if the church supported women and children in this situation THEN they actually would be supporters of FAMILY. But what i fear is that an entire generation is going to have to die off first before people will open their eyes, ears and hearts.

  5. What a story. Creepy, because it sounds like how it was like for me. Down to the part about being wealthy but keeping everyone in poverty. The first time I ever bought my teen son a pair of trousers from a retailer was when I had left the marriage, and only because I couldn’t find one from the second hand shops, and boy, did I feel guilty for spending $29 on him. So, did I get a share of the
    wealth from the divorce? In theory, but it hasn’t come about, and I still live below the poverty line. But he tells everyone I have all his money now. I hear it’s the same for victims of surgeons and lawyers – they still suffer poverty because the abuser has more assets to protect and more money to spend on lawyers to ensure they suffer.

    I have learnt not to live according to the values he brainwashed us with. If my kids need the financial support, I will give it if I can. Someone who doesn’t support their children is worse than an infidel. Sometimes I still feel guilty and I can “hear” him accusing me of spoiling them and enabling their lack of discipline. All sounds so right, even to experiences psychologists who didn’t and don’t see the abuse.

    I used to think to myself that if my husband passed away – which I thought he would from a heart attack due to a bad temper – I would comfort myself by remembering all the bad times (that is, find a reason to feel relieved he was gone). This in itself should have been a red flag to me that he was abusive, but no, I never even would have considered it. If pastors and friends didn’t consider him abusive, and if they thought our issues were mutual, who was I to think I knew better?

    Now that we are divorced, I am wondering why he won’t fall over! Maybe this lady was spared by the Lord, but I don’t need that since he is now out of my life.

    Anyway, sorry for rambling. It was such a jolt reading that. The good news is that people like that woman DO sometimes turn around and find freedom. Yippee!!!!

    • Was she spared by the Lord? I dunno. Maybe its just the out-working of natural consequence. I’m thinking this guy’s drinking finally caught up to him. From other stories I hear, that seems to be the way– things catch up to you eventually one way or the other– either the stress of living as an abused spouse or the excesses of the sin of the abuser.

      Actually last year, two abused wives I knew died suddenly, both from stress related illnesses leaving behind a bunch of under-aged children. One of the husband’s is about the biggest religious jerk I’ve ever known and had a new girlfriend in a month. He’ started spreading the word right off about how much ‘better things were now that she was gone’ and what a horrible wife and mother she was and how she hadn’t been much of a wife to him in years (wink, wink).

      I’ve wondered if the ex is also claiming his wife died because she was being judged for being such a horrible wife and mother. I know my own has told me that I am in danger of God’s judgement for leaving him and in danger of dying. If I actually *did* die, he’d be spreading the word that God had struck me down for the sin of ‘leaving my first love.’

      I also wondered if God took the wife home to be with Him to spare her– but are those kids better off with that jerk? Hard to imagine. I think God just didn’t intervene and the stress killed her at forty-two.

      These sorts of philosophical questions make me think and I believe any woman in this type of abuse has to wonder. But in the end, it seems there’s a time to be born and a time to die and our days are in His hands.

      • Pretty scary stuff. Feel bad for the kids, the jerk is a sickening human being, and i also feel sorry for his girlfriend. He obviously did not want a wife, he just picked up another caregiver for his special needs, and his children. Im vomitting right now.

        Sad thing is i really believe he got away with murder, then he committed adultery with the new nanny, ahhm? I mean wife, and the biggest crime of all the church most likely embraced this man as a poor grieving husband.

        I wanna make a side note, if it were a woman left with her nine children wouldnt she be mortally judged for hooking up with a guy in a two month period? Double standards and alot of hypocrasy.

        And oh my gosh, I believe that kinda stress could kill a woman. Especially if you feel all alone and without any support, it could kill you. Most likely he blamed her death on her poor parenting skills, and her inability to deal with life. Like she wasthe crazy one, right?

      • I’ve had many of the same thoughts about that particular situation. I do know he kept his new relationship under the radar with his church as much as possible but he ‘groomed’ his family and children by bad-mouthing the dead wife, talking about how much better everything was now that she was gone and pointing out how she wasn’t much of a wife to him anyway (wink, wink). His family kept his secret for the most part but kept to his talking points when something came up.

        This jerk is a master at getting his way. And I believe when he stands before God one day, he’ll answer for his wife’s death and for the misery he put her through in life.

    • just want to mention that abusive men come from the same mold, for sure!! He would refuse to let us drink milk when we wanted, unless it was “”the Boy”” once i was drinking milk and he walked up and smacked it out of my hand when it was up to my mouth. He complain we spend too much on food, so i said then come with us. He went and abused us, was volaitile the entire time, if i reached for the cheapest apple juice, then I got an earful about how I just feed the kids crap, but if i got the REAL juice then i got an earful for spending too much money on them! Lose lose situation, the mere nature of abuse.

      To cloth my kids i had to secretly use my credit card, groceries came in food stamp money under my name, which he had NO problem consuming BUT whenever he was violent and had to be removed from the house the first thing you heard was how he was going to tell everybody that I have food stamps, that i needed to get a real job,

      And of course for women with children the number one thing an abuser says when he is afraid of being confronted for his bad behavior “” SHE IS KEEPING MY KIDS FROM ME”

      Works so well in the courst sytem, and the church, and tugs on the heartstings of anybody he feels will believe his load of poop!!

      i too, prayed for relief from this person for years, never saw God change him, that would of been a relief. Never saw ANY changes in his behavior, just more devious, psychotic, manipulated. I know it is wrong but my prayers went from, Dear lord help my husband, to Dear lord he is your problem, set us free however you can. I have to be honest, although i never said the words, I would hope in desperation he would die of a drug overdose, or somebody would arrest him, or a car accident…..the things that seem to kill most people, just wont do the trick for this person.

      Yess i fantazed about his funeral, still do. Know its not the godly approach BUT if it means freedom for my children and myself, I would be okay with that. Also we would not physically attend his funeral anyways, but from afar i would cry, i would be filled with tears of relief.

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