Day Six-ish: Ida Gets Called on Her Crap


Well then.

I’m alone in the house for the first time in so many years I can’t begin to recall. Do not know what to do with myself.

So today, I did the only logical thing and went online job hunting, mapped out a three year life plan and scheduled something for every day left in vacation-land. Then I painted a bowl of fruit-like objects.Came out pretty good although the spherical shapes continue giving me fits. Whatever.ย  They’re in a bowl, I like them. Then I took a bath.

Whereupon the Lord above invaded my space (metaphorically speaking) and poked me with sticks. He said (not so gently either, mind you)ย  that a) I was suppose to be resting and b) I was not resting one bit and c) I needed to call every single person with which I’d planned all sorts of bone-tiring excursions stretching into the foreseeable future and cancel already.

So I did. But I am not liking this one bit.

I have cleaned the bathroom, done every bit of washable laundry, scrubbed every available surface and painted all the fruit I can stand. Final assessment? I do not know how to be still.

Okay fine. We had some wine and flat crackers on the sofa, I spent some time remembering all the wonderful things He’s done so far and I promised to be good.

Please pray for my sanity folks. It could be a very long week.

11 responses »

  1. On not knowing how to be still: I wonder if you have considered the possibility of ADHD? I myself am awaiting psychiatric assessment for it, as per my request, as I suspect I may have it, given some basic tests I’ve taken and given that at least one of my seven children has been diagnosed with it (another is awaiting testing, and a few others have asked for testing as they think they may have it).

    • Doubtful– I don’t have any problem staying on task and I can get absorbed in a project and stay that way for days. Probably more along the lines of not wanting to be alone with my thoughts.

      • Actually, that is one of the things about which I read recently as being one of the lesser-known symptoms of adult ADHD – being very absorbed in a project. Apparently ADHD manifests differently in women than it does in the stereotypical little schoolboys.

        Anyway, just thought I’d throw it out there in case it’s something to look into. Maybe you’ve not got it. Right now with me being in the process of finding out if I’ve got it, I’m “seeing signs of it” everywhere. ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. Dear Ida Mae
    personally I don’t think you’ve got psychiatric thing. Just lots of emotions naturally swimming round the semi- and sub- conscious as a result of all that abuse you suffered for years, and its aftermath which you are still suffering. I’m praying for you, sister. Lots of love and hugs. Barb

    • The imagery of thoughts swimming reminds me of that fish painting.

      I remember this feeling from three decades of what passed for marriage. I’d be looking forward to a few hours to myself and be so exhausted I could hardly wiggle. Before the tribe returned, we’d have the cleanest kitchen floor in the county.

  3. Yes, ADHD may be an option, but I’m wondering if it’s more PTSD, the being hypervigilant, always on the go, not being able to just rest because you “never know” when he will drive by ….. Cleaning, etc. helps you get your external world in order, and we tend to do that instead of resting when our internal world is upside down.

    I’m sure you were poked ever so gently but I’m thankful for the holy poke …. you need more wine and cheese on the swing, you need to lay back that head and sleep. Read some of Joan Chittister on the Friendship of Women. She’ll speak wisdom to you, and affirm you as a woman made in God’s image.

    Praying for you, friend.

  4. Hypervigilant describes the feeling exactly.

    Had this intense dream last night of the beast tearing down the home we lived in about a decade ago. He never said a word, just took it out, bulldozed all the way to the ground with a silent, single-minded determination until even the rubble was gone. Then he put the land up for sale. Probably stuff like that I’m avoiding.

  5. Ida Mae: Thanks for sharing transparently and being vulnerable. I don’t know how long you’ve been separated from your abuser, but I know it took me, maybe 1.5-2 years before I started learning to relax and rest in my home. I think the comment about living so many years being super vigilent makes sense. Take small time periods of rest – doing nothing, no planning, no cleaning; just being still. You will get better at it. God did tell us “Be Still and Know I am God”. Best wishes and prayers for you as you heal.

  6. I remember those Friday nights after I’d dropped my daughter off for access and then driven back home (a round trip of 130 km or so). It was really hard to relax. The emptiness. The feeling of relief that I didn’t have to be ‘together’ as a parent for the next 48 hours, but the desultory agitated emptiness so overpowering that I could hardly enjoy the relief. Really hard to get through. Nothing seemed to work, nothing seemed to help. Too tired to do much, too hyped to go to sleep, resisting falling into my old addiction (over-eating), nothing much on TV on Friday nights, and the churning that had no name. I’m continuing to pray for you Ida. And remember, “This too shall pass”.

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