Excellent article over at Healthy Place. For years, I’ve struggled with the why of the equation. I really identify with this:
According to Ms. Brown’s book, abusers do not “feel” the way we normally think of what it means to feel. Due to childhood abuse or perhaps mental disorder, many if not most abusers detach from their feelings at an early age. Instead of feeling, they observe how other people behave, and then mimic those behaviors appropriately. (emphasis added)
In this way, abusers become expert behaviorists without taking a step inside a class room. They know what works and what doesn’t work to get you to do what they want, and because they’ve detached from their feelings, abusers do not feel guilt for their manipulative actions.
This is probably why abusers cannot take responsibility for what they’ve done to you or admit they abuse you (with lasting regret). They do not comprehend that any wrong took place and may think that your fear and tears are merely a “show” designed to manipulate them, and baby, they ain’t fallin’ for it.
In short, abuser’s use brainwashing techniques naturally because “the set-up” is all they know.
Not sure they can’t take responsibility as much as they won’t. I believe we all have choices to make and free will. At some point, getting your way becomes more important than loving your neighbor.
You can read the rest of the article here.