Recommended: How Did You Brainwash Me? Kellie Jo Holly

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Excellent article over at Healthy Place. For years, I’ve struggled with the why of the equation. I really identify with this:

According to Ms. Brown’s book, abusers do not “feel” the way we normally think of what it means to feel. Due to childhood abuse or perhaps mental disorder, many if not most abusers detach from their feelings at an early age. Instead of feeling, they observe how other people behave, and then mimic those behaviors appropriately. (emphasis added)

In this way, abusers become expert behaviorists without taking a step inside a class room. They know what works and what doesn’t work to get you to do what they want, and because they’ve detached from their feelings, abusers do not feel guilt for their manipulative actions.

This is probably why abusers cannot take responsibility for what they’ve done to you or admit they abuse you (with lasting regret). They do not comprehend that any wrong took place and may think that your fear and tears are merely a “show” designed to manipulate them, and baby, they ain’t fallin’ for it.

In short, abuser’s use brainwashing techniques naturally because “the set-up” is all they know.

Not sure they can’t take responsibility as much as they won’t.  I believe we all have choices to make and free will. At some point, getting your way becomes more important than loving your neighbor.

You can read the rest of the article here.

Thanks, Kellie~

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3 responses »

  1. Yep. This sounds about right. Explains why my ex can turn on copious, crocodile tears at will and then stop them instantly when he sees they are not getting what he wants. It would be almost funny, if it wasn’t.

  2. Ida Mae, I am a new reader of your blog and I want to thank you for your courage to share. I come from an alcoholic family and my mother suffered all manners of abuse as a child that made me even more wary of men (while awful in many ways, my alcoholic father did not beat or molest us as my grandfather had done to his kids). I have read various survivor blogs as part of my journey of healing and yours is one of the most helpful and well-written I have encountered. May I suggest you consider looking into resources at your local women’s shelter/center? Many abused women who have another place to land don’t consider this resource, but it often has a lot of help to offer when it comes to getting a job or more schooling. A friend of my mom’s who left her abusive marriage didn’t consider help at her local shelter until someone told her about this. They helped her catch up after years out of the work force and get a great job, and I know that is a struggle for many abuse survivors.

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