My Name is Connie

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I live in Texas. I have four children. Ida was my paternal grandmother who lived her entire life with an alcoholic preacher. She loved Jesus and would’ve danced on her husband’s grave if her sons hadn’t beaten her to it. Mae was my maternal grandmother who’s story wasn’t much better. Ida Mae seemed appropriate and I like it. I think I’ll keep it. But I am not hiding any longer.

I’ve been gone a long time.

Just about the time I finally grew the manparts necessary to write about the violence and fear we lived with for decades, my four children found the blog. Believe me, you want to trigger a bunch of kiddies birthed into a home dominated by a raging bully, just write an innocent little blog post about the crazy man beating their dog. It’s a good thing that cell phone plan had unlimited minutes, just saying.

Next up, the divorce drama kicked into motion. (Finally.) I’ll write an update first thing. In fact, I’ve got enough fodder for several years of updates and bitter/angry/feminist blog rants. Some self-editing might be in order.

In two weeks, I’ll stand before a judge and celebrate God’s merciful gift of divorce in this broken world. My new friends are taking me out shortly thereafter. I am one fortunate, blessed, to be envied woman.

Last winter, I started work as a school nurse. Never, ever saw myself working in a public school or as a nurse ever again but God knows me so much better than I know myself. I love my job with a passion you only discover after living in hell for thirty years. My son and I found a little rental in a townhome community with big oak trees outside the windows and an awesome swimming pool outside the front door. We floated around all last summer just for fun and I bought three swimsuits with polka dots and cherries from Walmart, just because it felt so good to flounce around without someone telling me five times a day that I need to work out.

I’ll keep writing because I have no choice. Years of lies, half-truths, compromises, deceit– evil found root and grew because a bully bought my silence. The time comes when you own your story or you slip back to the quicksand of doubting the reality of who you were and what you left behind and why you had to leave in the first place. I do not want to repeat the patterns of generations previous.  I want better for my kids. I want freedom. In my heart, I write for Ida and Mae.

For my friends here, thank you for your support and kindness during this time.

Today, I updated the About Me portion of this blog. Click on the link above and scroll down to the bottom if interested.

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37 responses »

  1. I love you and I love this post!!!!!!

    Sent to you with urgency and a disregard for capitalization, punctuation and everything else associated with syntax and grammar from Jacquee’s IPhone.

    >

    • I’m convinced more and more that congratulations are the proper response when you bury something already dead and stinking up everything it touches.

      Thank you, Hannah-

  2. Connie so so so glad you now feel safe to come out!
    Many hugs to you. I can only barely imagine your journey through the divorce nightmare and whatever else, and I am looking forward to heaing the updates.

    CONGRATULATIONS dear sister. You are a bright star shining a light for many others.

    • I’m kind of partial to the name now. So glad its no longer necessary.

      Once all the mediation crap was over and I had my Days of Whine on the Sofa, I woke up and realized I could walk out the door (metaphorically speaking 🙂 )

  3. Pingback: Breaking News: Ida Mae is no longer afraid to share her real name | A Cry For Justice

  4. I am SO dancing a happy dance over here!! We are sacrificing the bully alpaca in your honor and will save a roast for when you come visit again. So very grateful you have survived the journey with your head held high and your sense of humor still intact. You are quite the girl, and I am honored to call you “friend.”

    • It’s been a long time coming. Lots of miles between that first day we met at Cyndi’s and today!

      Thanks for all your sweet support between here and there 🙂

  5. Dear, dear Ida Mae. I have been praying for you. Just the other morning before I opened my eyes, you were on my heart, and I prayed that you would write again! I have missed you. So, I cannot tell you how happy I was to see your name in my inbox. I am blessed beyond measure to read the hard, beautiful, freeing words you have written here.

    Now that you are free, I know that God will unleash through you the power of words that He has given to you in great measure.

    Welcome back.

    Cindy

    • That my friend, was the Holy Spirit because the last week or so was hell. Not external circumstances, mind you, but the black pit inside, spewing up all that old rhetoric.

      Friday we went to mediation. I dreaded it like a root canal beforehand and spent way too much time in bed after, so hurt, so mad I could spit. This morning I woke up and knew things were finally getting better.

      Thank you for remembering and praying for me!

    • LIke Cindy I was thinking of you just recently, wondering how you were doing. Congratulations! Looking forward to hearing more from you when you’re able – you’ve helped give me strength when I needed it, and I pray that your strength never leaves you in the least.

      • LMM,

        Oh, I’m able. This long hiatus means a backlog of words. Plus the ex provided plenty of fodder even with no-contact in place.

        Finding time may be more of an issue. This working mom stuff is new 🙂

  6. 2 more weeks.. you will probably have mixed emotions, but i pray the the overwhelming joy of freedom, with God’s blessing, will sustain you. ..

  7. WooHoo! Soooooooo glad to see you writing again! So glad to “meet” you, Connie! So glad that you are on the better side of things now, and can begin HEALING!!!!!! Congratulations!!!

  8. So proud of you, Connie….err…Ida Mae…..your journey has been so long, so hard and so exhausting
    but you are an overcomer, praise HIS mighty name!! I am so sorry for the hell you have endured but like I finally had to come to terms with is that life sucks sometimes…sometimes for a long time and it’s not fair but HE does work all things together for good to those who love HIM and are called according to HIS purpose!
    Like one pastor’s book is titled…..Divorce is sometimes a gift of HIS grace! Praying HIS peace, provision, and purposes be revealed and lived out in your life. Through it all, you still love, care and have a heart of compassion…..that is a miracle in itself. Blessings abundant be poured out on you! From a sister Texan!

    • Yeah, I tell my kids that all the time– life sucks bigtime and it sure isn’t fair. We look forward to a better day and enjoy the gifts we’re given here while we can 🙂

  9. Hope for me…that freedom will come soon. Divorce is truly a gift from God!! Never in a million years would I have thought that I would think that but it is SUCH a gift.

  10. Connie, I feel I’m breathing a sigh of thankful relief with you! So glad to hear of the new freedom you’re discovering!

    I especially like how you phrased this: “…celebrate God’s merciful gift of divorce in this broken world.”

    Yes! Divorce is, indeed, God’s merciful gift in this broken world!

    • Thanks Joe,

      Freedom came on so gradual, it took awhile to notice. One step at a time until you find yourself out the door, no looking back 🙂

      It sure took a long time to realize the truth of that statement but what sweet relief to finally understand that God made provision because of the hardness of men’s (and women’s) hearts. It was necessary. Needful. But never, ever easy.

      Sin is the problem. When one party refuses to repent and therefore bring forth those works of repentance, causing the marriage covenant to die, then divorce is the cure.

      Seems so easy now, lol.

  11. Connie – this is your cousin Bonnie — Found your blog this weekend and was deeply touched by all you shared. I am thrilled to know the divorce is final and you are moving on to better things in your life. There are many things that have puzzled me about our fragmented family and your writing has helped explain a few. I am so sorry we didn’t know what you were living with. You are in my prayers. You are beautiful, intelligent, articulate, creative, funny, courageous and so much more!! Love ya!

    • Not that you’re biased or anything, lol.

      Love you too, cousin of mine. I’ve had lots of those same concerns, wondering why our family is so splintered. Maybe we need to compare notes someday?

      • Yes, we should get together and compare notes sometime! Definitely. You and I both process things by writing, but conversations are quicker! Keeping you in my prayers!

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