About Me

Fifty-ish

Several children of both genders, mostly grown.

Pastor’s daughter, deacon’s wife.

Homeschool Mom.

Writing under an assumed name.

No, that isn’t my picture over there though I do like purple.

Married over three decades to an abusive man who openly admits to hating women.

Seriously wish he realized this before marrying one.

Yes, I know men are abused at times too. I’m not writing to men. I wouldn’t know how.

All stories are factual.

Names and places changed for various reasons.

I’m still afraid.

 

Amended as of: November 3, 2013

The divorce is so close I can taste the crunchy goodness.

The day the papers are signed, I’m throwing a party. Literally. Yes, I’m now one of those kind of women.

Still writing under an assumed name for the sake of peace. It fits in a way the married name never did.

Taking my name back, day by day, in ways beyond imagining.

The kids found the blog. We had much to discuss.

Took a long hiatus from blogging to concentrate on healing my family.

Speaking the truth openly is essential to freedom.

My name is Connie.

I’m no longer afraid.

27 responses »

  1. Courage, dear one. Your sisters are praying for you. I, too, began a blog in the past few days. The irony is, I am a therapist who works with women who have been victims of violence, often at the hands of their partners. With your permission, I would like to link to your post on my blog, morvensblog.com, as your story WILL help others do the same thing you have done – escape the monster.

    I have no idea who you are, or where you are, but the Lord knows, and He will never abandon you. Praying, M.

  2. Thank you so much, M. I do so appreciate the support and prayers. Feel free to link to whatever you’d like at any time.

    At some point, I hope to post freely under my own name. In the meantime, maybe telling the stories of freedom will help others 🙂

  3. Pingback: a brave sister | Morven's Blog

  4. Love your description! I can almost picture exactly what you look like! I understand living in fear! I get it!

    • correction: I have an image in my head of what you look like but have absolutely no idea. Just reread what I wrote, don’t want to sound creepy!

      • I understand! I do the same thing. But I’ve had a few people tell me I look nothing like they pictured. I think I write from the mental picture I carry in my head and it doesn’t match the physical all that much.

  5. yes, I keep hoping the fear will be totally gone. And the good days do outnumber the bad but I still am afraid. Wish that more people “got it”.

    • Living in fear is exhausting. Being exhausted affects how you think, feel and percieve yourself.

      I am finding that the physical removal although important and helpful, does not release the fear inside it lingers making his abuse constantly present. I have not wrestled that down yet, wondering if it will ever leave me?

  6. Seeing your post made me smile! I am so glad you are back and unafraid! I saw your blog at a critical time and hung on each word with the grip of a drowning man. Thank you for sharing yourself with me. God bless.

  7. I got divorced in Texas — it’s the best place for divorce, a quick 60 days and I had my freedom. (I know it’s different if he wants to fight – but divorce laws in other states are all kinds of hell that include mandatory year-long separations before anyone can start the 2-year long divorce process, which includes mandatory mediation – torture sessions – etc.)

    God bless Texas and its no-legal-separation-quick-divorces . As Jeff said, it’s almost as quick as their executions. ;P

    When I left TX on I-10 with just my kids, i looked back in my rearview mirror and thought “He brought me here for this purpose”. (since we had moved to TX for only a couple years, for a job that fell apart)

    anyway. I’m with you in spirit in that polka-dot bathing suit, with a huge margarita in one hand. (and maybe a pistol in the other).

      • haha, totally. I’m always here. I’m in SC now, far away from the monster and my kids are doing well now. I loved TX, just couldn’t stay there because all my family is over here.
        cheers! Your entire future just opened up like a morning glory. 🙂

  8. I’m struggling. Why do I continue to allow him to do this to me??? He is being so nice, and yet he makes me feel like I have to look up to see dirt, in one word. He doesn’t want the divorce, and keeps stalling. But I need OUT!!! He says…. Once this is done… I can’t help you anymore. You’re on your own. Way does that mean??? Is he going to renig on the deal he agreed to on paper? He has gone from moving out, saying he wants a divorce, to not wanting one. I’m being tormented!! It’s only been 3+ months since he moved out, and is now back in, but it feels like 18 years. Dear God…. Why do I waiver??? Will happiness ever come? Will I make it to heaven? Is he right? Am I hearing from God at all? Oh God I want you to return so I can be set free.

    • Although the circumstances are different, I remember being in that state of confusion and indecision. It does feel like torment because that’s exactly what’s happening– a form of mental, spiritual, soul-deep torture.

      We waiver because we’ve been conditioned to doubt our own reality. We allowed someone else to define all our words and no longer believe what we see and hear. It takes time to get that certainty back so you can move on.

      Will happiness ever come? I don’t know the answer to that question. I can tell you from experience that there’s no happiness in the state of constant bombardment of the soul. Happiness is on the other side of the mess you’re in. Will you find it? I don’t know that either. It will be the fight of your life, that’s for sure.

      I can say it’s a battle worth fighting. We learn strength and honor and our hands are trained for war. At some point, the scale tips and good days outnumber the bad. Light breaks through in the strangest places. Friends crop up we never expected. We shed the skin we’ve worn for so very long and grow a new one, this time, covering ourselves in truth.

      Welcome to the fight 🙂

    • ianwoc,

      I am new to this site but old to the fray and in continual recovery from an abusive relationship, too. I left my ex almost one year ago after 42 years of marriage. I am also a Christian. I recognize your doubt, fear, and struggle.

      Yes, you will survive this. How do I know? Because you are continuing to seek answers, you are reaching out to people “out here” who can relate at least in some way to your pain, and you are questioning your abusers words and ways.

      Keep all this up. If you can, get “local” help, too: friends, family, a support group of people who care for you and who understand the abuse dynamic in a relationship. It is also good to read about the nature of narcissists as it sounds as if your husband may fall into that category with his Dr. Jekyll Mr. Hyde persona going on.

      If it helps, God is for you not against you… I have also doubted many times if I am “going to heaven” after finally initiating my divorce and following through with it last year. And each time I wonder, I do what you are doing: ask, seek, cry out to God, and new and deeper meanings and insights come along through His Word, through my support group and counsel, and through the wisdom generously given on sites like this.

      Stay the course. You’ve already gone some distance down the recovery path even though it might seem as if there are a lot of rocks and stones in the way just now.

      There are people praying for you no doubt. Me, now, too.

  9. Wow, Ida Mae…I’ve read a few of your entries after finding this blog tonight. We could be sisters. So much of what you write is a page in my own journal. The specific parallels leave my mind spinning all the way down to being married to a deacon.

    I would love to be able to sit at a quiet little coffee shop to vent and heal together. I love your writing style and hope that when I am able to heal more, God will restore my ability to write too as I miss that so much (along with other parts of me that have gotten lost after the realization I was married to a narcissist and the upcoming divorce)

    I believe God will use your strength to continue to help others as you are already doing!

    • Welcome Valerie!

      It’s amazing, isn’t it? Rotten fruit growing from the same variety of rotten tree– yet we all tend to think we’re living this nightmare out alone.

  10. Dear Connie, I love purple. Until recently, i kept my blog themes purpley 🙂

    I am also a homeschool mom.

    I also went through some type of “hell” most of my life in different ways, though for a much shorter period of time compared to yours. My homepage will show the places to go to read about some of them.

    I, too am not afraid anymore because my Father (in Heaven) took me out of the miry clay and set my feet on solid ground-Him.

    Peace be unto you dear sister. God be praised for His Love upon His children.

    I am happy for you x

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