Digging through some old stuff this morning and found a poem written several years ago. I’m thinking someone might relate.
Folks have called me brave but the scariest thing I ever did was going into the throne room, covered in the mess of my life and staying at the feet of the Holy One who made the stars.
Born for this other place, tucked away inside Your heart.
You pierce the cellophane holding me captive to this narrow
little world and I see— Your eyes, crinkled at the corners.
Bathed in kindness,
backlit with mercy.
Anything, my Lord. Just say the word.
You sit, take my hands and smile that smile I love beyond bearing.
You’re after something.
What will it be this morning?
My humiliation with the oatmeal?
Shame on toast.
I reach inside, toss corruption at Your feet but You aren’t distracted.
Who am I kidding?
You know the particulars that keep my heart insulated from Yours.
You held a penitent sinner, forgave my transgressions with a sigh of negation long time passing.
You cleaned away shame on a couch long ago, holding tight, wiping my mouth while I spit blood and renounced the works of darkness.
So what keeps us apart?
I wanted to do better. I promised You more.
A pledge of faithfulness beneath a bleeding tree—
–Broken on impact.
Your eyes speak forgiveness but this fickle memory spits out data while Your arms caress my back.
Your faithfulness reminds me of my failing.
Wandering eyes. A harlot’s heart.
You deserve better.
Kindness, goodness, virtue.
Not a snarling hellcat with a thousand regrets packed in a suitcase, banging on Your door.
I throw myself at You because I cannot suffer apart from You a moment longer.
This mercy lies beyond understanding. How can You look at me that way? Your eyes full of longing, Your hands more eager than my own?
And so You dig.
You hold out hands scarred by my failures
ask for things Your sacred eyes should never see.
You say You’ll have it all, not one held back.
Because I trust You—
Because every word is Truth—
Because I can’t live apart from You one moment longer.
I’m staying right here, holding this hand, holding You to my heart.
I choose to believe You want this woman.
Mercy beyond reason.
I’ll never understand Your kindness in this lifetime.
So You’re stuck with me, how does that feel?
I’ll throw myself against Your side a million times until
the ugly keeping our hearts apart jars loose, piling
up at Your feet. Until it’s on the floor, out of our way, crushed
beneath heels strengthened with favor.
I’m never going anywhere without You again.