Category Archives: Verbal Abuse

Recommended: Kellie Jo Holly: The Power-Control Dynamic and Abusive Anger

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For every woman ready to move on and leave all the crap in the backwash, here’s an eyes-open gander on a topic most would like to forget about already.

An abused man/woman/mother/child can become abusive. The simmering anger fueled by our impotence to stop the pain can be redirected at innocent bystanders. We know it, we’ve seen it, we’ve probably tried it out a time or two, truth be told.

Here’s a lovely quote from an article by Kellie Jo Holly, “The Power-Control Dynamic and Abusive Anger.”

Like Kristen, I also heard myself say things that I thought I’d never say. I witnessed myself act out angrily in embarrassing and hurtful ways during and after my marriage. My abusive anger never once helped my marriage, and it holds the potential to ruin any healthy relationship I ever have.

Let’s just say that I learned how to be an abuser from an excellent teacher and could continue that pattern in my life if I chose to do so. Like Kristen, I choose not to use those tools any longer because I am not interested in hurting other people so I can retain/gain power or control.

The problem was that I knew two ways to behave: I could abuse or submit. I did not have any other tools in my toolbox. It’s like trying to build a house with only a screwdriver and an adjustable wrench. Both tools will work, but there are so many other tools that would make the job smoother!

 

Once again, Kellie Jo nails one for the home team.  Well done~

You’ll find the complete post here.

Recommended: Kellie Holly: Reacting to Insinuations in the Verbally Abusive Relationship

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Kellie Jo Holly over at Healthy Place just posted a great article on verbal abuse titled, Reacting to Insinuations in the Verbally Abusive Relationship. I laughed all the way through and her article is not one bit funny. Sometimes a big wad of truth has that effect on a body.

His comment came out of the blue as he readied himself for work. “Some people don’t think,” he stated calmly. My mind raced to figure out what he was talking about. If I were in a normal relationship, I would have simply asked, “What do you mean, honey?” But I wasn’t in a normal relationship.

During the few seconds it took me to connect the dots between his statement and what he really meant, he didn’t say another word. He gave me the courtesy of remaining silent as my mind raced to find a way to avoid a fight that evening upon his return.

Once I figured out what he meant, I felt compelled to discuss it with him (defend myself). I said, “That isn’t true. I am not irrational, my thinking is clear.”

Can we just cut and paste about half my life into the above? I love that line– “I wasn’t in a normal relationship.”

*cue epic music

 

Verbal Abuse 101

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Verbal abuse can be a difficult concept to understand. In fact, throughout the thirty plus years I was getting whipped about the head and shoulders, I argued a blue streak there was no such thing.

So here are a few verses for my old self in case I ever show up looking:

Proverbs 18:20-22 (AMP)

20A man’s [moral] self shall be filled with the fruit of his mouth; and with the consequence of his words he must be satisfied [whether good or evil].

    21Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and they who indulge in it shall eat the fruit of it [for death or life].

    22He who finds a [true] wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.

I like this one in context. Notice how the verse before speaks of a man being satisfied with the consequences of his words, either good or bad. The verse after speaks of finding a wife. Interesting juxtaposition, no?

Psalm 57:3-4 (AMP)

3He will send from heaven and save me from the slanders and reproaches of him who would trample me down or swallow me up, and He will put him to shame. Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]! God will send forth His mercy and loving-kindness and His truth and faithfulness.

    4My life is among lions; I must lie among those who are aflame–the sons of men whose teeth are spears and arrows, their tongues sharp swords.

Not sure who wrote this and too tired to click a few buttons and look it up but let’s make pretend I did and say it’s David. Pretty obvious nobody was biting on his legs or stabbing his gizzard with their tongue. In today’s pop-psychology speak, this verse would go something like, “I’m stuck here with a whole pack of verbally abusive bad guys and God’s going to get them good.” (Ida’s Imaginative Translation)

Psalm 64:2-4 (AMP)

2Hide me from the secret counsel and conspiracy of the ungodly, from the scheming of evildoers,

    3Who whet their tongues like a sword, who aim venomous words like arrows,

    4Who shoot from ambush at the blameless man; suddenly do they shoot at him, without self-reproach or fear.

Venomous words? I can relate.

Psalm 140:2-4 (AMP)

2They devise mischiefs in their heart; continually they gather together and stir up wars.

    3They sharpen their tongues like a serpent’s; adders’ poison is under their lips. Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]!

    4Keep me, O Lord, from the hands of the wicked; preserve me from the violent men who have purposed to thrust aside my steps.

Pause and think calmly? Dude—seriously. You’re triggering me over here.

Proverbs 15:3-4 Amplified Bible (AMP)

3The eyes of the Lord are in every place, keeping watch upon the evil and the good.

    4A gentle tongue [with its healing power] is a tree of life, but willful contrariness in it breaks down the spirit.

Some of the stuff flying  around my house was way worse than willful contrariness.

And of course:

The Entire Book of James

All that about the tongue being set of fire by hell and all.

No such thing as verbal abuse. Really? What was I thinking?

I’m guessing I wasn’t.

 

More to follow however, I received a scathing email from the anti-husband dooming me to the pits of hell and since I can’t respond the way I’d like, I plan to fuss here.

Just as soon as I stop bleeding.