Do You Really Want to Know?
Friends who’ve heard my story tell me this will help others. I’m not convinced, mostly because hearing the truth never helped one bit as long as I clung to the delusion of a Godly husband and an orderly life. I discounted my own pain and minimized the pain of others. I argued up, down and sideways that I was strong, I was not abused, my children were fine. When the Sovereign Lord above finally opened my eyes to see the truth, it was crushing in a way that could either set us all free or send me back into hiding, never to peek out again.
I chose to leave.
Four o’clock one morning, I packed a few things in the car, then let the beast verbally spew all over me for two more hours. Some of that venom will keep me in therapy for years to come.
These posts reflect my feelings and they are valid. They are raw and real and unedited. I have good days and days where I’m curled in a fetal position afraid to get out of bed. After a year of separation, good days outnumber bad days but on those blue-sky, thank-you-God days I tend to appreciate the peace and enjoy my children. Writing is therapeutic, so these posts may trend toward the negative.
If you’re here looking for help, please know good days eventually arrive and you will appreciate them all the more for the contrast.
To What Purpose?
I’m tired of pretending everything’s okay when it most certainly is not. I’m not trying to convince anyone of the biblical nature of divorce or the validity of my reasons for leaving. It’s before my own Master that I stand or fall. Others have written on those topics and you’ll find links to their pages once I stop hyperventilating.
If you want to understand where I’m coming from, read here and here. These are not my stories but the pattern is similar. In fact, after coming up for air I’ve learned that abusive men tend to follow the same playbook. Only the wives are kept in the dark. You’ll find snippets of my story scattered about but so far, I haven’t felt up to a blow by blow replay.
In these stories, you’ll note I rarely use the word husband. You’ll see him referred to as The Estranged, The Beast or Much Worse. If you’ve been through anything similar, you’ll probably understand. It hurts to use the term, husband, even if legally that is still the case. He is the exact opposite of what a loving, caring, supportive husband should be.
Thus, I’ve dubbed him, the Anti-Husband.
I can do that because its my blog.