Do You Really Want to Know?

Friends who’ve heard my story tell me this will help others. I’m not convinced, mostly because hearing the truth never helped one bit as long as I clung to the delusion of a Godly husband and an orderly life. I discounted my own pain and minimized the pain of others.  I argued up, down and sideways that I was strong, I was not abused, my children were fine. When the Sovereign Lord above finally opened my eyes to see the truth, it was crushing in a way that could either set us all free or send me back into hiding, never to peek out again.

I chose to leave.

Four o’clock one morning, I packed a few things in the car, then let the beast verbally spew all over me for two more hours. Some of that venom will keep me in therapy for years to come.

These posts reflect my feelings and they are valid. They are raw and real and unedited. I have good days and days where I’m curled in a fetal position afraid to get out of bed. After a year of separation, good days outnumber bad days but on those blue-sky, thank-you-God days I tend to appreciate the peace and enjoy my children. Writing is therapeutic, so these posts may trend toward the negative.

If you’re here looking for help, please know  good days eventually arrive and you will appreciate them all the more for the contrast.

To What Purpose?

I’m tired of pretending everything’s okay when it most certainly is not. I’m not trying to convince anyone of the biblical nature of divorce or the validity of my reasons for leaving. It’s before my own Master that I stand or fall. Others have written on those topics and you’ll find links to their pages once I stop hyperventilating.

If you want to understand where I’m coming from, read here and here. These are not my stories but the pattern is similar. In fact, after coming up for air I’ve learned that abusive men tend to follow the same playbook. Only the wives are kept in the dark. You’ll find snippets of my story scattered about but so far, I haven’t felt up to a blow by blow replay.

In these stories, you’ll note I rarely use the word husband. You’ll see him referred to as The Estranged, The Beast  or Much Worse. If you’ve been through anything similar, you’ll probably understand. It hurts to use the term, husband, even if legally that is still the case. He is the exact opposite of what a loving, caring, supportive husband should be.

Thus, I’ve dubbed him, the Anti-Husband.

I can do that because its my blog.

40 responses »

  1. Thanks MUCH for this blog. Helps us all understand even more the abuser mentality and tactics AND the delusion, deception fog that it puts onto the victim. Amazing, isn’t it? I have begun to research the Scriptural doctrine of forgiveness and have tentative plans to write a book on the subject of helping victims reconcile real forgiveness AND justice. The more “Christian” books I read on this subject, the more I am convinced that we have been duped by a huge body of tradition that usurps God’s Word. The subject of abuse exposes these traditions as unbiblical because they lead us to totally insane conclusions about victims being required to reconcile with “the beast,” live in denial and keep on forgiving “70 times 7.” I mean, Eph 4:32 says we are to forgive one another JUST AS God has forgiven US in Christ, right?? But the way that verse is applied and interpreted so many, many times is completely out to lunch! It is time to set things straight.

    Blessings on you in your recovery. May the blue sky days just keep on increasing. And remember, the New Creation is here and will come in its fullness one day. Every day will be blue sky! Every Christian fully vindicated. Every evil given perfect justice. No more therapy needed because we will all be whole – finally!

      • Thank you, Ida Mae…stumbled upon your blogsite and am grateful for you
        and the many others who have dealt with, lived through and are having victory
        over abuse. I have not had a lot of verbal abuse, at least not name calling or
        cursing, but plenty of emotional with control and manipulation. I have been
        separated now for almost a year, am 50 and have two kids still homeschooling.
        It is a stressful time but with more peace in my home. Struggling through the
        religiosity of this whole thing. Have some who are greatly opposed to my situation
        ongoing or possibility of divorce. Two older kids feel I need to just forgive and
        seek joint counseling, again, and let GOD work a miracle. He has shown so much
        outward “change” but not sure if it is for real and for always or not. At this point, I
        don’t care about it for me….wanted it for him and our kids. He killed my love and
        I gave him my heart, love and 29 years of my life. There was more “personal”
        abuses scattered about the years…..so many apologies and promises,he never
        kept them. Tried everything I could to keep it together and make the best of
        what I had accepted was a lonely, stress filled, unhappy marriage. I finally
        couldn’t, no wouldn’t take it any more and I said I am done. I wanted to be free
        from this for several or more years, just didn’t think I could go through with it and
        possibly hurt my kids. Almost 1 yr. later, I am still struggling with my life and future.
        I just don’t want to disappoint my LORD and all the old teachings just keep pounding
        at my brain. I know more truth about what I have lived in but struggle to be free for
        fear of not doing the right thing.

        It is good to not be alone in this mess but I hate for you and all the others who have come forth and not, to have lived this nightmare, shattered hopes and dreams, too!

      • Tammie,

        I’m starting to hear more and more stories just like yours and mine. I hear you–those old teachings run deep, springing back at the worst moments.

        Hang in there and get strong. As my grandmother use to say, this is a tough row to hoe and it can get pretty lonesome. I’m finding comfort and friendship here and on other websites where others have had the veil pulled off.

        In never intended to leave. It didn’t want to let my children down and somehow thought I could hold the marriage together alone even if it killed me (came pretty close– not sure that type of stubbornness is good in a situation like ours!) And like you, I never wanted to disappoint the Lord and at that point, believed my marriage was sacred above all. It wasn’t. It was a sacrilege.

        The truth is, I was driven out. Up until the day I walked out the door, I had no idea I was going and yet he still tells everyone I abandoned him, got tired of being married and ‘went the way of the world’. And all those things that happened that forced me to leave? According to him, they never happened.

        There is no truth in him.

        You can email if you’d like– idamae @ webwrinkles.com (just remove the spaces)

    • Forgiving the beast is much different than living with him. Keep forgiving ….it is healing but do it at a distance. Abuse slithers in and happens so gradual that you find it hard to believe that that is what is happening…..cycling in and out leaving you in a total state of confusion…..trust God…..and believe He will make it right…always moving forward …leaving the past…behind you. And just breath on the days when everything seems hard giving thanks that your breath has been a gift that the anti-husband could not take from you.

  2. Jeff, that’s why I used blue sky in my website background. Every time we look up and see a bit of blue sky, we can remember God’s justice and healing, and his promise that we will one day have No More Tears.

  3. I’m so thankful to have found your blog! (via Barbara Roberts).
    Powerful…

    I am 55 and was married 33 years to an abusive, “Christian” (dare I say Anti-Christian?) “Anti-Husband”. Wounds so deep from the decades of verbal, emotional, mental and spiritual abuse… (and some “mild”- HA! -physical abuse in the early years).

    The divorce was final 6 months ago… walking the road of healing. A very long journey.

    The last day he was here moving his stuff out of the house he said, “You exaggerated the abuse… I never “bloodied” you!!”

    I just stood there sick to my stomach…

    • Welcome~! I’d love to hear more of your story sometime 🙂

      Yes, mine said almost the same thing, word for word. He stood there screaming loud enough to wake the dead for almost an hour before coming up with this lovely gem– “Hypocrite! You hypocrite! I never hit you!”

      Ironic *and* absurd.

  4. My elderly neighbor, a lady originally from Kentucky, who’d been married to an abusive law official, and whose abuse was a lot more outward than what I’d suffered, looked at me when I told just a little of my story and said, “Honey, they’re all kin.” As I read your story and the comments of others here, I see so many ways that she is right. In some ways, the abuse looks different, but so many of the phrases and actions used are practically predictable.

  5. My husband tells me that if I leave him that I was never really saved. He is emotionally abusive and very controlling. Is he right?

    • That sounds like a very controlling statement. Kind of like those, ‘copy and paste this if you *really* love Jesus’ because ‘Jesus said if you deny me before others then I will deny you’. Really?

      I’m not an expert and don’t know your situation but I feel certain that no one has gone to hell for getting a divorce, justified or otherwise. If so, lots of big-time preachers would be in worlds of hurt.

      My advice? Don’t listen to him. If you believe he’s emotionally abusive, then he doesn’t get to define your experience and he certainly doesn’t get to define your salvation. Before your own Master you stand or fall. Talk to the Father about this. And find a book that tells the truth about divorce. There’s several out there now and Jeff Crippen and Anna Woods have another coming out soon. Their website is an excellent resource.

      http://cryingoutforjustice.wordpress.com/

      Also go through the blogroll and check out Cindy Burrell’s books and articles and Barbara Roberts to get a more balanced view than what you’re hearing.

  6. I don’t know if you are saved or not, but I know that he isn’t! How? The abusive man who insists that his victim forgive him, be reconciled to him, and stay with him is an unrepentant man. Those are classic marks of someone who is not changing for the better and who is not repentant. You can’t be a follower of Christ and refuse to repent of your sin, and continue to commit that sin. If you are a genuine Christian, a new creation in Christ, then in fact the desire not to be in the presence of this evil is actually a mark that you are a Christian. Go back to Exodus and read the account of Moses vs Pharaoh. Make note of how many times Pharaoh refuses to let the people go. That is abuse in action and it is a very typical sign of it. Your husband is the worst kind of abuser (if he professes to be a Christian), because he is wearing sheep’s clothing. You should assume that (as Ida Mae put it so well), if his mouth is open, he is lying. If that sounds too “un-Christian,” just keep studying abuse and abusers and eventually you will come to the same conclusion. They lie. Whenever they speak, they lie. What he is telling you about not being really saved if you leave him, is a lie. Good question, and blessings on you!

  7. I’m so sorry, Ida Mae, that you experienced an anti-husband, too. And, on behalf of all of us who haven’t done so publicly, thank you for not staying silent any more. Thank you for your raw, real, and unedited blogging. Thank you for helping me put language to my experience. Thank you for sharing your process and strength.

  8. I call mine “the idiot” and have people tell me over and over again that I should not use such terms about my kid’s father. He never really fathered them, as he never really was a husband and even confronted with his behavior or lies doesn’t get it, twists it and repeats it…that is idiotic, so he is an idiot! And I usually call him nothing, only idiot when I have reached the end of my rope.

  9. They do seem to share the root system, don’t they?

    Thank you for being here– just checked out your book. Looks like an important story, especially in this time. May you reach those who need to hear!

  10. The “Beast” is the best term you could ever give an abusive man. I’m so sorry you had to endure that. As a man, I’m ashamed for our kind. Not sure how I stumbled on your blog but I’m curious to read more. Your way with words is very entertaining.

  11. Hello Everyone. Just stumbled across this blog. Oddly enough, seems like a good support for what I have been going through. I was married at 16 yrs old, forced bc of an unplanned pregnancy and the ” do what is right” pressure breathed on me from everyone. I crumbled and married a man I was already terrified of. I have endured emotional, verbal, mental, spiritual and , I liked the way some one put it “mild” physical abuse( if there is even such a thing).I have been called every name in the book, been told how crazy I am so many times that I actually start to wonder myself,I’ve been controlled, who I talk to-to the point where I have secluded myself from my entire family and friends bc he doesn’t like them and says he is protecting me.I have been shoved, pinned to walls, spit on, choked and hit. A lot of times the physical abuse has happened while alcohol was involved, and I allowed myself to believe that was the reasoning. Every time something has happened I was told I had pushed him to doing it by my behavior. He has surrendered his life to Christ now, hours after he hit my actually, and swears he has changed.I have been married 9 1/2 yrs, now have 3 children, and I work in a church. I am forced with the decision to continue on with this “marriage”, or be free from his bondage. Either way I must forgive. My “support system” has dwindled. People don’t want to mess with abuse. Don’t want to get involved. Because of my role in my church I am faced with the option of losing my job if I were to decide to leave and divorce. I had left for almost 2 months, just coming back this week bc I was being drowned in the sadness of missing so much of my children during the Holidays. It has been very difficult….. Hoping I can find comfort and encouragement through this blog. Sorry to hear so many others have gone through similar situations, but also so glad to know I am not alone.

    • I just read your comments and the Church has let you down so much, but the Church is Gods true people like many others on this blog! And you are not alone and meditate on some Psalms and let God speak to you exactly what to do and he will tell you! You are a Survivor and Gods daughter and he came to set the Captives free and to heal up the broken Hearted! Dr James Dobson wrote that any form of absue should not to be tolerated! I am hearing you and have been through much including the loss of a child aged 6 and another having another having four transplants over 25 years and two abusive husbands both not Christian and I left them and now alone and four years on healing still! I pray for you that the Holy Spirit will lead you to a new tomorrow! Yesterday I meditated on psalm 37 God said Please do not fret as I know and I will bring you through! God will make away for you in all just wait upon him and trust him! Even if you lose your Job he will provide to be away from this! I lost my home and my son was dying awaiting another Heart and Kidney Transplant but I won my court battle and now have a studio apartment and care for my son he lives in a lovely community housing apartment close to Hospital and even my dog got a place to live! God has brought me to him through all of my pain and he loves to commune with us so let go and let God he will protect you as you go! Lord I uplift your Precious daughter to you to know she is loved and never should be hurt by another and let her know she needs to flee if her husband does not Repent and seek help and change as you want him to! I will keep you in my Prayers and God will answer and as he said to Joshua of Old I am the Commander of Gods Army and I am for you and not once has God let his people down God bless you and love Sylvia a Sister in HIM! PS He healed me from Breast Cancer also and much more he is such a wonderful Gracious God!

  12. I smiled as I read this but also can relate to what you said. My homepage will show you where to go read parts of my story, if you would like. I have still kept the last name for some reasons i cant go into right now but HOPING to be rid of it sooner than later. I wince each time I have to state that name.

    Your blog brings me back to something I have KINDA let go of. Don’t know if it is a good thing or a bad thing but I am holding on to our Father (in Heaven) for dear life. Maybe He allowed this for a reason…

    God bless you dear sister

    • Thank you for coming by! I’ll head over to your site and take a look.

      I never intended to go back to my maiden name. The day I went to speak to the lawyer, I sat there, telling her the story and heard myself saying– I want my name back! Loudly, repeatedly, and with great enthusiasm. There may have been some table-pounding involved, just saying.

      • Hahaha @ table-pounding……you do know how to make me smile/laugh and feel sad at the same time. Sad- in a kinda good way though 🙂

        i like that- it brings out humour in a rather sad situation and I don’t mind that at all.

        Sadly for me though, my maiden name is of no comfort either….so I feel sort of in the middle. Like I am nameless. So my first name is what I simply settle for in informal situations…for now.

  13. Divorce can make you feel nameless indeed. Your identity as a married person can linger and you’ve yet to develop your new identity. Sometimes you don’t even know where to begin. But, I want everyone to know that you have an identity that never changes, you are a child of God. Let your identity be in Christ and he will guide you to your new sense of self on earth. I’ve been through a divorce as a Christian too. God does have a plan for you. Jeremiah 29:11. God can use your tragedy for good believe it or not. Now I have a ministry that helps separated and divorced people. Visit my blog at http://www.afterdivorceministries.com/blog and check out the rest of the website while you are there. I hope it helps. Oh, my book is entitled, Peace after Divorce. You can read about it on the website or most any book vendor’s site. God bless.

  14. What a relief to finally find someone that has walked the same path and vice versa. My husband is a monster and that is putting it lightly. I am repulsed at the mere thought of having sex with him. He repulses me to the core of my being. I finally woke up after a twenty year sleep. I know the Lord will allow situations to happen, to help us “wake up”. My moment of awakening came July 22nd, 2015. It was as if the light finally switched on. The Lord has shown me that He is in control and that He is aware of all the dirty lies, stealing, cruelty, verbal abuse, financial abuse, that has gone on for these twenty years. He managed to sweet talk his way through all of my savings, yes, I wanted to believe the best and turned a blind eye out of desperation. He is what I call a “Vampire” with an addiction to destroy and pull all of the life out of me. Then, he comes back for more, and more and more. Yes, a Vampire is how I see him. An addiction to destroy me and our 17 year old son. He hates God, me, my family, my friends, the church my son and I attend, my hobbies, my music taste, clothes I wear, every single thing. He hates his mother to the core, yet will take that Birthday gift, Christmas gift with such a loving smile on his face and the minute he walks out the door, he calls her a f*cking c*nt. In front of my son and me. He is filthy, physically unkempt, smells vial, and has such a demonic oppression about him that the air becomes very heavy when he walks in the door. I am a Christian and I love the Lord with all of my heart. My son does too. I know that God is preparing us to leave, but not quite yet. I am grateful for the the trials and the strength all of this has given me. God is still on the throne and I will always sit at His feet. He is making a way out for us. It’s all in His timing…..

    • Be very careful, Yisraela–from experience I’ve these guys can turn bad real quick. Wish someone had told me to make up a bug-out bag with our copies of financial documents and essentials just in case.

      Standing with you now–

  15. Hello, Ida Mae. Not sure if you are still out there writing, sharing your story. You are such a wonderful writer. Wonder how you are doing and what is going on in your world. I would love to hear from you. I think you know how to reach me…

    Blessings to you,

    Cindy

    • Hi Cindy! I’m here and I do read all the comments. Haven’t actively blogged for awhile–mostly adjusting to the new normal.

      I sent you a message over on your blog with my email address. If you don’t get it, let me know and we’ll connect some other way–

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